school's out for summer!

Today was the longest day I've had in a long time: waking up early to study, my last final of the semester, a quick trip to San Francisco for an internship interview, back to campus to finish my LSAT reading and catch up with Katie, LSAT prep class for three and a half hours, and finally getting home, only to eat some of the sourdough bread I got in SF (see: picture above) and catch up on How I Met Your Mother. Ridiculous day, but it was really productive. Even though I'm exhausted, I'm content.

I just finished my first year at Berkeley, and my junior year of college. Holy shit.

Hello, summer!

under the blacklight.

Back in Berkeley, and back to class tomorrow! I'm currently in my pajamas in my apartment, watching (500) Days of Summer and avoiding studying. It's definitely a movie that I was worried about watching, but it's actually making me feel better, even though it makes me miss LA. I actually did get some work done today, but honestly, I'm just trying to gather all my energy and get ready to kick ass for the next five weeks of class! It's ridiculous, the year is almost over...I have five weeks of class, dead week, finals and then SUMMER! Summer is going to be busy but still, Berkeley is so much nicer when you don't have four classes worth of work to worry about.

I went out to dinner with one of my future roommates today and I am SO EXCITED! Even though I get my own room (and bathroom!), I still share a common area and a kitchen with two girls, and I'm really looking forward to living with them. I believe I start my RA job June 1...crazy!

Big news, readers! I signed up to take the LSAT in June...what the hell!? I feel like I just transferred, and now I'm applying to schools all over again. Ridiculous. In any case, it's kind of intense because I know people who take a YEAR off of school to study, and I'm taking a month long intensive class and then taking the exam. If anything, I can retake it in October...and if anything, I can always go to film school. In any case, I have options, and although I'm worried about not getting into a law school I want to go to, I know I have options and I know I'll be okay, and that's a relief.

Listening to Rilo Kiley's Under the Blacklight album on repeat lately, it's really comforting. Here's Jenny Lewis (lead singer of Rilo Kiley) performing an acoustic cover of "Silver Lining," enjoy.



And the grass it was a ticking
And the sun was on the rise
I never felt so wicked
As when I willed our love to die

And I was your silver lining
As the story goes
I was your silver lining
But now I'm gold

♥

bill clinton.

"You are living in a time in history when the individual citizen ... can have more influence over the outcome of affairs than ever before. The future is in your hands. You gotta be able to answer the how question and you have to be willing to put yourself on the line."

**EDIT: if you want to watch the whole speech, it's available at here :)

honestly...

In writing a personal lifestyle blog such as this, there's a thin line between honesty and talking too much; I want to convey my experiences as a college student as honestly as possible, but I'm afraid of putting too much of myself out into the world, especially considering that this is a TOTALLY open blog that anyone in the world has access to. Anyone! A scary thought, that anyone anywhere could be reading about my life...then again, I started this blog knowing that risk. Anyways... honesty. It's sometimes hard to be completely honest, because eventually someone would read something and get hurt, or I'd say something that someone could use against me. I have had far too many friends that have lost jobs or employment opportunities due to things they've said on blogs/twitter/facebook (though really, WHY they said some of the things they did is beyond me). In any case, it would suck. Then again, why do I bother writing a blog if I can't be completely honest about my college experience? It's not all rainbows and sunshine, not every person I've met has been amazing, not all of my classes/professors are perfect (despite that I'm at one of the best schools in the country), life isn't always perfect, etc. It's a conundrum, and I'm honestly still debating what to do about it.

In any case, tonight's the night--tomorrow I finish my first semester at Cal. I have to finish writing my advertising paper and continue studying for Media Studies...so. close. !!!! I was feeling pretty down earlier, but talking to my family and my best friend on the phone definitely gave me the motivation I needed to just get it done. Tomorrow's going to be a long day, but after it's over...that's it, my first semester at Berkeley will be totally over. I'm excited, but nervous! Expect a recap post once I get home. Wednesday I'll be packing all day (since I need to pack for LA, Israel, and NYC!) and then Thursday I will be flying home! I could not BE more excited.

One more crazy scholarly night, and I'm free until the 19th of January. I can do it!

P.S. - Could I have possibly used the word "honestly" anymore?! Honestly!

feeling this.

Upon realizing I hadn't made any school related posts lately, I decided it was time for one! School is going well, I think. I absolutely adore my Mass Media and Advertising in America classes, and although they're really difficult, I truly feel as though I'm learning a lot. Mass Media is fascinating, and it's interesting to actually study the evolution of media and how it affects society. Advertising is ridiculously hard, but to see how not only society shapes ads but ads shape society...it's pretty intense. My Gender in America class (which I changed to Pass/No Pass because I felt that I bombed the midterm...only to get an A, ugh) is pretty boring; I guess it could be interesting, but the way the information is presented my attention is quickly diverted elsewhere. My Digital Photography decal is fairly interesting, and I'm enjoying learning to play around with the different features on my camera. I'm planning a photo post soon, so look out for that!

What I'm going to do with all this knowledge I'm not quite sure, but hopefully I'll figure it out soon. I kind of want to start looking into the LSATs and seeing if that's going to be something I want to do; if not, start looking at either grad school for Mass Comm (for which I'd have to take the GRE ugh) or film school. Publishing also interests me, as I've always been an excellent editor. I'm not sure which direction I want to go in, but I have time to figure it out...well, a little bit of time. Is it bad I also want to take a year off to live abroad (hopefully in Spain)? And that I kind of want to move back to Los Angeles a little bit? I don't know. These are the things I have in the back of my mind, all the time. It's stressful!

At least I don't have to worry about the future right now...I'm too busy dealing with the present. Last week I went to talk to my GSI (graduate student instructor) about the ad analysis I was writing and afterwards, we were talking and he commented that I seem to have assimilated fairly quickly and easily for a transfer student. I hadn't thought about it, but I suppose it's true...as soon as I got here, I jumped in and got a job (at Berkeley Hillel), joined Apartment Association and CalTV. Schoolwise, I've always been pretty focused, so that hasn't been as much of a problem, though it's a lot more painful to procrastinate here than it was at GCC. I am having a little bit more trouble when it comes to meeting people, but even then, I am slowly building friendships. It took me awhile, but I've come to the realization that the reason my friendships back home are so amazing is because they've developed over a number of years; I can't expect the same connection up here when I've only been here a few months! In any case, I am making friends and meeting all sorts of different people and it's lovely. I've gotten homesick (especially with my family, best friends, and boy all at home) a few times, but I know that coming here was the best thing I could ever do, and that this time apart from all of them just makes me value them more. I have friends who have gone home three, four times already, and honestly, I think that just makes things harder. To truly feel at home here you've got to make a conscious effort to make it your home, and stop thinking about what you left behind. That's not to say I'm never coming back--are you kidding, I love Los Angeles!--but instead of crying over what I left behind I'm going to enjoy all the new things Berkeley has to offer that LA does not. And if I want to go back when I'm done with school I can, and I will!

In any case, things are going well, I'm doing well, and I'm fairly content. Thanksgiving is in eleven days and I can't wait to see everyone I love! Life is too good sometimes, and I definitely feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

get back.

I feel overwhelmed. By school, by friends (or lack thereof), by the future, by monetary issues, by new feelings, by having to make decisions, by having to grow up.

For the most part, I'd say I'm doing okay; in fact, I'd even venture as far as saying that I'm doing well. But then I have these moments where nothing is clear, and the lack of clarity terrifies me. When I was going through the transfer process, everything made sense--essentially, I just had to follow a list of steps, and if I did everything right, I would end up where I wanted. Easy enough. But now that I'm here, at Berkeley, my goal since I was twelve...where do I go next? I know, I need to stop worrying about the future and focus on the present. Hell, if the universe ends in 2012 it won't actually matter if I end up going to film school or law school, right? So I can just take the year off until the apocalypse? Yeah? Awesome.

I don't even know what I'm talking about. I have two major papers to finish, that I HAVE to do well on. HAVE TO. If not, I risk not getting A's...and goddamn I'm going to get those A's if it kills me. See what Cal is doing to me? Sigh.

she's losing it

So this past week has been one of the most challenging in recent memory, and had it not been for the support of my amazing roommates and close friends back home, I really don't know how I would have made it. I went through the lowest low I've had in awhile on Tuesday, and it was definitely the first truly shitty day I've had since moving up here. However, Wednesday was extraordinarily wonderful, so I suppose it balances itself out? Thursday was just an average day; nothing special, nothing awful. I did find out that I was wait-listed for the Israel Birthright trip, but apparently I'm first on the wait-list and usually three to four people drop out, so I have a very good chance of still going. I'm honestly okay with the idea of going or not; if it doesn't work out this winter I'll just have a month to spend either up here or back home doing nothing. Also, that means I'm pretty much guaranteed to go over summer, which would be awesome as well. Really, win/win in any case, and at some point in 2010 I will be in Israel...amazing! Friday was...interesting. I had my first real "college experience"...considering this blog is public, I'm not going to elaborate too much, but it was definitely an interesting night, haha. Yesterday I spent recovering and studying, and today I've been studying and writing all day...I've got a midterm due tomorrow I need to finish! Speaking of that midterm, I'm debating changing my GWS class to pass/no pass...I don't want to risk a low grade hurting my GPA, and I really don't see myself getting higher than a B- in this class. I'm not sure yet, I'd like to talk to the professor about it.

Oh! And I registered for some classes (you can only register for up to 10 units through Phase I and then the rest during Phase II) and my schedule next semester is going to be INTENSE. By intense, I mean class from 8am-5pm Tuesday & Thursday. Kill me now please? I'll be taking MS101 (Visual Communication), MS103 (Understanding Journalism), MS104A (First Amendment and the Press) and a decal on Woody Allen films that one of my friends is teaching! Possibly adding another class as well, but this is going to be a pretty full load to begin with. Currently, I'm only registered in MS103 (though I had to register through Journalism 141!), and waitlisted for MS101 (since I'm not officially declared as a Media Studies major). Hopefully I get 104...I should, though.

I have SUCH A BUSY WEEK! Lots of reading, lots of writing, lots of work, lots of walking all over the place. Saturday is Halloween, which should be interesting...personally, I'd love to stay home and watch the X-Files (is there anything scarier?!) but I might get convinced to go out. I'll see what happens. Sunday a friend is driving up to see me, and I couldn't be more excited! Have to make it through this week first, though.

And now, pictures!


We're studying Noam Chomsky. Chomsky sounds like a Pokemon. I got bored in discussion. This is what happened...haha! And yes mom, I WAS paying attention and can elaborate on the Propaganda Model if you want ;)


Maria redecorated our living room and I LOVE it. So comfy/cute.


We made Princess Cupcakes!


and a cake...decorations courtesy of Maria.


Pasta :) Doesn't it look so good??


Also, "She's Losing It" by Belle & Sebastian has been on repeat for the past week, it came up on shuffle and I've been on a B&S listening spree since. Enjoy!

carpe diem!

Nothing like some good ice cream and good conversation to remind you of the simple pleasures in life.
It's important to remember that not everything is about school. I have to keep reminding myself this, because it is way too easy to get caught up in what I call the "Berkeley mentality" of "study study study; future future future!" There's something to be said about living in the present, taking the time to enjoy yourself and just live. Yes, I need to think about next semester/next year/my future. I need to figure out if I want to do law school/grad school/film school/none of the above. I know I need to deal with my reading and my essays and my financial aid. I know I should get caught up where I'm behind, I should even try to get ahead. I'm really good at getting caught up in the bullshit that is school; I tend to get ridiculously stressed easily and I forget that by this time next year, I won't care about the grade I got on a paper this semester. Life is so much more than grades! I mean, they're important, but my mental health and sanity is much more important. It's okay to not know what I'm doing next year or once I get my degree, and it's okay to not have a plan...in fact, maybe that's for the best. I've had a plan since high school and although it's terrifying to not have one, at the same time, it's absolutely thrilling and exciting. Besides, there's no knowing what the future will hold, so why focus all my time on it when I could be enjoying the present?

Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero – "Seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the future"

first rainy day at berkeley!

views from my apartment! IT WAS SO WET. seriously, i have only experienced rain this intense once in my life, and that was six years ago, when i was in rome for christmas with my dad. absolutely ridiculous.



considering it was raining all day, i still managed to stay pretty decent (meaning not wearing a hoodie, though i was tempted...) and i have figured out how to (somewhat) tame my wild hair against the forces of nature.

cardigan, all-son, thrifted.
flannel shirt, forever 21.
jeans, levi's.
boots, target.

not pictured is the rain jacket my daddy gave me that saved my life & my pathetic leopard print umbrella that is not built for actual rainfall.

also, i have been listening to bon iver all day because it is perfect rainy day music.

First all-nighter? CHECK.
Best part? I'm STILL not done with my paper. No worries, it'll be ready by 11:00am, when it's due...whether I'll be capable of getting it to class, that's a whole other story.
Also? I have another paper due Friday, that I've worked on but isn't done yet. AWESOME.


Yay college!!

ruby tuesday

My Tuesday Schedule

• 11:00AM-12:30PM--Media Studies 10, aka Mass Communications 101
  
• 12:30-3:30PM--Break (aka time to catch up on reading/finish writing papers)
• 3:30-5:00PM--American Studies 110, aka Advertising in America
• 5:00-6:00PM--DINNERTIME
• 6:00-7:00PM--Media Studies 10 Discussion Section
• 7:00-8:00PM--CalTV Cinematography Meeting
• 8:00-9:00PM--CalTV General Meeting
• 9:00-10:00PM--Apartment Association

You can see why I'm worried, right? Thursdays are the same, but I'm done at 7:00PM. And today, I also have actual papers I have due, two "mini" 1-2 page analytical responses tomorrow and two actual 4-5 page research papers due Thursday. I'm not fully done with anything yet. Can you say FML? I've been working all weekend and I'm still not done, there's just too much! Thank god I dropped that history class, otherwise I'd be ready to kill myself. Ugh.

I am counting down like no other for this weekend...can't say too much here (yet), but it is bound to be amazing...especially since I'll be paper-free!

a juxtaposition of thoughts

Do you ever get that feeling that things are going too well, that everything is too good to be true? I've been feeling that way a lot lately, just waiting for everything to fall apart...not a good feeling, to be dreading everything going wrong! I hate that I think like that. I have everything I have ever wanted: my dream school, living on my own, amazing friends back home and up here, someone waiting for me back home, finally getting closure on something I had always wondered about, eating healthy, walking everywhere, taking care of myself, etc etc etc. I have everything I could ever want and I'm ecstatic; at the same time, I find myself waiting for that plot twist, the "dun dun dun!" moment of doom that everyone goes through, because perfection is unreal, inhuman. I mean, I wouldn't say life is perfect...I have two papers to write, an additional two response papers, and a ton of reading, for starters, all of which is majorly stressing me out. Or there's the fact that the one person I've actually developed feelings for in the past two years is back home, or the underlying pressure of knowing that I cannot fail, that I have to succeed up here. Yet all of those problems sort of fade away when I see how ridiculously happy I am, happy to be at Berkeley, happy to have someone at all, happy (even ecstatic) to actually go somewhere that challenges me. I'm sure you can see the weird sort of balance going on in my brain, trying to create a sort of ultimate pro-con list of good vs evil~ in my life, and obviously the good is winning, but I just have the feeling the evil is getting ready to plan a secret attack that the good isn't expecting...but I'll be ready, I am ready, and I will make sure the good prevails, because it simply has to.

"There was no point in worrying yet.... what would come, would come... and he would have to meet it when it did." ~J.K. Rowling, "The Beginning," Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, 2000

Taken after the first football game against Maryland by my roommate. Just a quick post to note that Cal is currently undefeated after beating Minnesota today, 35-21! Go Bears!

~flashback

Happy New Year to all of my fellow Jewish people! The time to re-analyze the past year is upon us once again, and as I sit at my desk at work I've got to wonder...where has the time gone? I cannot believe it's been a year, because although so much has changed, it's all happened so fast. Due to my two papers, I decided not to go to services this year (sorry Mom, priorities) but I still want to look back...I suppose a flashback (a la LOST) is in order...where was I a year ago?

I was starting my second year at Glendale, after officially switching my major to Mass Comm/Media Studies (I had been a political science major before; can you imagine?), and I was taking Speech, Astronomy, US History and Sociology. I surprisingly hated Speech (due to a biased ass of a professor), but ended up loving the rest of my classes. My history professor was a guy who protested Vietnam, and he was just so cool, not to mention ridiculously knowledgeable. Astronomy was difficult but really interesting, and Sociology was, well, Sociology. I was a member of the Scholars Cabinet, as VP of Communications along with Naira, and we, along with the rest of the Executive Cabinet and a new Director, were ready to make that year the best year ever !!!!! Unfortunately, that's not quite the way things panned out...not to rehash anything, but although I ended up gaining some great friends from Cabinet by the end of the year, I also ended up losing many, and there was a lot of unnecessary drama and tension that had me questioning why I ever joined (the Cabinet) in the first place. I began to bond with the First Years, and many a game of Egyptian War was played in the Garret. Meanwhile! I was working on my UC and USC applications, and debating whether or not to apply to NYU (decided not to). It was intense, but I got through it alive, though I've got say, that moment when I submitted my applications was absolutely terrifying. I had done everything I could, and at that moment, it was completely out of my hands. The holidays came and went, and then it was Spring.

Spring semester brought me Art History, Observational Astronomy, Russian History and Spanish 2. It was a hard semester, but I loved every minute of it. Russian History is definitely my passion, and I don't care what anyone says, it's absolutely fascinating. Art History was also an incredible class. Continued to bond with the First Years, many a party was held at my house :) Avoided people in Cabinet, it was bad news bears all around. Luckily, second semester flew by and before I knew it the time to receive admissions decisions from schools had arrived. Much to my surprise, I had been accepted to every single school I applied to. Though for a second I debated going to UCLA, I knew that wasn't where I was supposed to be, and within a couple of days I decided to go to Cal. The Scholars Banquet came and went, and I left Glendale with my head held high, my dignity intact, new friends and great (or at the very least, enlightening) life lessons learned.

With friends, it was a good year. Many parties, many adventures, many movie nights, many late night trips to Coral and Bourgeois Pig, rediscovering LACMA, discovering Alcove (ahhh I want an Apple-Brie Panini now!), and many of our infamous late night talks were held. We all stayed close, visiting each other at our respective schools, including a couple of trips to USC for me. As far as relationships go, I didn't really have any, and this was intentional. I knew that at the end of the year I would be leaving, so what would be the point of starting something? Besides, I'm really picky, and no one really caught my interest.

Summer came and went, and was filled with movies, friends, swimming, cameras, iced tea, 80s metal, driving around, live music, and good memories. My friends and I grew closer than ever, and luckily, we're still that close now. I spent a lot of time at home, reading and writing and just taking a mental break before the "big move." It was a Potter summer, so I re-read all the books and re-watched all the movies before Half-Blood Prince was released...we went at midnight, of course. (And yes, I realize how nerdy this is, haha.) Right before I left for Cal, I went with my family to Puerto Vallarta for a week, and it remains one of the most amazing, relaxing experiences I've ever had. I read Ken Follet's The Pillars of the Earth and World Without End in 4 days, and it was the first time I had truly read for fun in years. They also happened to be two of the best novels I have ever read in my life, so if you haven't already, go pick up a copy, I promise you won't regret it. Summer also meant reconnecting with an old friend, and that has been one of the best and most rewarding things to have happened this year.

Then, I moved. Moved away from everyone I loved, everyone I cared for, everything that was familiar and safe, and I moved by myself. Two suitcases was all I had to pack up my entire life. I know that coming to Cal is the best decision I've ever made, but that doesn't make it any easier to start over. It was hard, at first, but I'm okay now. I would actually probably say that I'm better than I've ever been, because I'm happy and focused and healthy.

I can't believe I've already been in school for almost a month. I can't believe that I have friends and a small community up here; I can't believe I haven't been in a car since August 17; I can't believe I stopped eating meat; I can't believe I'm almost twenty; I can't believe I actually have papers due! I can't believe I just summarized an entire year into a few short paragraphs. It's ridiculous how quickly time passes.

It's weird, not only knowing I'm not going to services, but that I'm not back home going to services. I always loved the church where we held services, I remember as a kid before they used to have kid's services we would just run around and explore and it was just fun. I know, not what the holiday is about, but hey, can't blame a kid for having a good time!

L'shanah tovah, everyone, have a good one.

overwhemled (1)

I'm overwhelmed. Talking to a good friend, they suggested I go to bed, rest, and wake up refreshed and ready to take on my workload one piece at a time. Good advice...given to me two (unproductive) hours ago. Whoops.

Honestly, why is it so hard to be productive? I'm smart, so why is this so hard? I'd like to blame the media for creating our short attention spans...but really, I hate that I can't just sit down and focus. I'm trying so hard not to put everything off, but at the same time, I can't just sit down and get it all done. I have two papers due a week from tomorrow, and though I have outlines for both (one on the iPhone campaign and one on Studio 60) I haven't actually started writing either...and let's not even get into the reading I haven't done. It's not like I'm going out and partying, though, I just sit at home and get distracted! Whether it be writing in my journal, updating my blog, or emailing my best friend, there's always something else that I'm doing. I know, I know, discipline, and when that doesn't work, there's always Self-Control. Goddamn. And the thing was, even though I didn't get what I needed to done, I did a lot: went to work, talked to GSI's for two different classes, made a new friend to study with, sat in the grass under a tree (which consequently reminded me of that Gilmore Girls episode, when Rory is exploring Yale to find the "perfect tree" to study under), did some reading for GWS, wrote two letters, wrote a four page journal entry, went to class (and paid attention...intersectionality is so intense!), studied with friends, went to dinner...it's just when I got home that all of the sudden I just...stopped. I don't know, I guess this is something I'm going to have to learn to deal with, and overcome. It's just hard.

I should go to bed, I've got a long day tomorrow.

busy bee!

I really shouldn't be posting right now, but hey, isn't that what us college students are known best for? You know, getting online and putting off our reading and papers, then reading the news, checking out our favorite blogs, texting our friends, calling our mothers...basically, procrastinating.

I'm not going to even try to say that I've never procrastinated; in fact, I became pretty efficient at procrastinating my first couple of years of college. I mean, it got to the point where I wrote a ten page paper on stem cell research the night before it was due...and was then able to convince the professor to give me an extension, edited it, and got an A. I was really lucky, but not the best strategy, right?

Right. Especially since at Cal, you really can't do that. You can do a lot of things (and get away with a lot of things, just ask the people smoking weed on the corner of Channing & Telegraph), but you simply cannot get away with putting stuff off, not anymore. At least, not with any of my professors! I have so much to do it's ridiculous. Here's the basic summary of the stuff I need to do/start this weekend, for those of you who care:

• Media Studies Discussion: Response Paper on different news sources' covering the health care debate (due Sept 15)
  
• Media Studies Lecture: 4-5 page paper analyzing any one piece of media (due Sept 24)
  
• Advertising: 4-5 page paper analyzing one individual piece of advertising (due Sept 24)
  
• Gender in America: Newsmedia Journal (collect one article/week and analyze it using our reading) (due Nov 18, but need one entry/week)
  
• Reading for Advertising (Total Package ch 3, 4, 7; Land of Desire ch 1-3; Advertising the American Dream ch 5-8)
  
• Reading for Media Studies (MediaMaking pg 65-132, 135-160, 219-232; Convergence Culture: "Origami Unicorn"; "The Problem of Knowing"; "Predicting the Unpredictables")
  
• Reading for Gender Studies ("Removal"; "Cherokee Women"; "Crafting Feminist"; "Katrina & Social Justice"; "Natural & Social Meet"; "Crossing the Line"; "Ethnic Scarring")
  

So, I'm going to get started tonight and GET.IT.DONE. I don't really have any other options...I want to do well, so I'm going to invest all of my time into getting everything done to the best of my ability...which happens with time, and therefore no more procrastinating (I hope). Wish me luck!

Oh, I guess I never mentioned that I dropped my History of Latin America class? I didn't really need it (unless I decide to double major in History), and the Professor was awful (honestly, I never thought it was possible to fall asleep in a history class, especially at Berkeley...I was wrong), and there was SO MUCH READING. So, why invest time in a class I don't really need or like when I can focus more on the classes that actually apply to my major? To make up for my lack of units, I'm taking a class on Digital Photography, which starts on Monday. I'm so excited!

Also, I decided to take my own advice (for once) and get involved~. I'm running (unopposed) to become the secretary of the Apartment Tenant Association, and applying to get involved in CalTV (applying for the Cinematography department & the Marketing team...we'll see where/if I get in!)

Basically...I need to get off the internet. Bye!

homesick (I)

i love it up here, i really do. i love the school and my classes and my professors and my apartment and my roommates and my new friends and the weather and everything, but i can't help but miss my family, my best friends, a certain gentleman caller, going to the movies (which is a totally different experience up here, not as comfortable but a hell of a lot cheaper), bourgeois pig, the observatory, walking around burbank at night, my library at home, all of my movies, having a big television, hugs from people who love me, the ability to call and have someone be over within ten minutes, driving (!), all my glendale friends (the ones i had left at the end of the year, haha), porto's, in n out within driving distance, someone to geek out about movie trailers with, my mom waking me up, not having to buy my own groceries, my mom's cooking (i do miss it! though i'm enjoying my new accidental vegetarian diet), my little brother poking me, my dad nagging me about having a clean room, living somewhere that was never (ever) messy, talking in marie's car until two in the morning in front of my house, making bracelets + biscuits with sarah, someone to sing along to my 90s playlist with, etc etc etc.

tomorrow i'll have to make a post about everything i love about cal, there's a lot! but tonight i'm feeling homesick, as is natural, so yeah, this is what you get.

80 days until I fly home to Los Angeles for Thanksgiving!

It's funny how I already refer to my apartment as "home," and how I cannot imagine living anywhere else (or with anyone else, hmm), but at the same time, there are so many important people in my life who aren't here, and as they say, home is where the heart is, so as much as I dread leaving Cal for any amount of time, I cannot wait to fly back. You see where this gets complicated? It is. Sort of.

there's a moment when you realize that everything you expected is totally different, and a pause, and then another moment when you realize that it's okay.

***

cal is good. it's hard, and intense, but it's good. i like three out of my four classes (and who knows, maybe i'll come around to the last class once i attend more than one session) and though the workload is ridiculous, i'm enjoying learning. hopefully my eagerness doesn't wear off, because i've got a ridiculously intensive semester ahead of me, including seven essays. seven! ridiculous.

the hardest part about starting over is just that; starting over. i don't know about you all, but i've had the same group of best friends since i was in high school, and we've remained close even though we all went off to college. since i was at home for two years, it was easy to stay in touch; when they'd come home, they'd come see me as well. easy enough. now that i'm away, though, it's not as simple, and though i'm grateful for innovations such as skype and ichat and my cell phone, it's just not the same. i miss going out to coffee or grabbing pancakes at two in the morning with my bests. i knew that coming to cal would mean starting over, and i know it's what's best for me, but that doesn't make it any easier.

i've met some interesting people, and i'm excited to get to know them, but at the same time, it's hard not having those who know me ridiculously well here. no one here can read me just by looking at me, and that's both a blessing and a curse. i guess that's why they say you should be careful what you wish for, right?

as for living on my own, i'm enjoying it. my roommates are all pretty awesome, and we all get along, which is ridiculously lucky. i've become more obsessively organized since coming up here, it's all sorts of ridiculous, but better clean than messy. i like taking care of myself, and making my own food (screw the meal plan, i can cook just fine) and feeling like an adult.

i guess i should go read now. you know when they tell you when you go to college you're going to have a lot of reading? it's true. i have at least 300 pages...at least. i'm too lazy to count, i'm just taking it one chapter at a time.

xo

and so it begins.

Today is the first day of my new job (a receptionist at Berkeley Hillel) and class. It's finally hit me that I'm going to Cal, that I've actually accomplished something I'd only dreamed of. This is what accomplishment feels like, kids, and it's the best feeling in the world.