we both go down together.

I've noticed that as of late, I've become a lot pickier about what I want to post here. I don't want to post inane ramblings, or miscellaneous film reviews. I haven't posted pictures in awhile, mostly because I haven't really done anything worthy of documenting and I never have my camera with me anymore. I'm in an unusual state of mind, trying to finish strong at Cal and make a decent entrance into the so-called "real world." I'm so unsure of what I want and of where I'll be in the next few months that it's making it really hard to focus on the present.

School is stressful. Such a simple sentence for such a complicated statement! Last night, I came to the alarming realization that this weekend I was way behind on on work. I needed to write a 1 page response on the documentary "We Live in Public" (which I HIGHLY recommend watching if you get a chance, it's on Netflix Instant watch!), a 4-5 page analytical paper on an image and the cultural myth/ideologies it perpetuates (which is far, FAR more complicated than it sounds; I'm writing my paper on this image), a 4-5 page segment for my thesis on the methods I'm utilizing PLUS editing and re-writing my literature review (the first 10 pages of my thesis). I also had to watch The Jazz Singer, and this isn't taking into account the hundreds upon hundreds of pages of reading that I have yet to do, or the stuff I have to do for my Apartment Assistant job.

It's so funny to me when I hear people tell me that they think I have it "all together"...if that were the case, I wouldn't be freaking out right now! I guess it's best to appear put-together rather than frantic and mildly neurotic, but it's also frustrating that people don't believe me when I say I've got a lot on my plate; a double-edged sword indeed. It's stressful, but when I think of how far I've come, I start to feel better. I'm a transfer student and yet I've taken on so much; I'm actually really proud of myself, and when I think about that, it helps me calm down and focus. I've made a to-do list and a calendar of the weekend, trying to balance out my ridiculous amount of work with a pathetic attempt at a social life and I think that if I stick to it, I should be alright. I've been at FSM all day with Nick, one of my fellow AAs and I've already finished the 1 page response paper and outlined a lot of my 4-5 page image analysis, so hurray!

Also! This past Monday was Valentine's Day. It's a holiday I've never liked (reading through my old paper journal, I laughed when 13-year-old me complained about the commercialization of love~), but my friend Katie surprised me with tickets to go see The Decemberists at the Fox Theater in Oakland. It was without a doubt one of the BEST concerts I'd ever been to, and it was a necessary reminder to stop killing myself over school and live a little. When they played my favorite song ("The Engine Driver") I started crying; to finally hear a song that has helped me through so much played live, by the people who wrote it...that's a feeling unlike any other. They also married a couple on-stage (!!) and had a jam session...all in the middle of a song. It was, in a word, epic. Another word? Perfect. Another? Amazing. There are not enough good things to say about a band that I've loved since I was sixteen and has been with me through some of the most challenging and important moments of my life, and I'm so lucky to have been able to see them for a second time with such delightful company :)

Here's a video someone in the audience took of the very last song they played in their second (!) encore, "June Hymn." Enjoy!

the west wing.

I bought myself an actual present for doing really well this semester; The West Wing: The Complete Series box set! I got an amazing deal on Amazon and I think it was an excellent use of my last paycheck of the semester. I'm watching in-between doing practice LSAT sections, and it's encouraging me to study more so I can go to law school like Josh Lyman! Just kidding...it actually makes me think of how I want to write for television more than anything in the world. I don't want to grow up because I don't know what I'm supposed to do yet! I guess I'll just get through the LSAT and go from there...still, it's starting to get really frustrating being torn between two really different career paths.

get back.

I feel overwhelmed. By school, by friends (or lack thereof), by the future, by monetary issues, by new feelings, by having to make decisions, by having to grow up.

For the most part, I'd say I'm doing okay; in fact, I'd even venture as far as saying that I'm doing well. But then I have these moments where nothing is clear, and the lack of clarity terrifies me. When I was going through the transfer process, everything made sense--essentially, I just had to follow a list of steps, and if I did everything right, I would end up where I wanted. Easy enough. But now that I'm here, at Berkeley, my goal since I was twelve...where do I go next? I know, I need to stop worrying about the future and focus on the present. Hell, if the universe ends in 2012 it won't actually matter if I end up going to film school or law school, right? So I can just take the year off until the apocalypse? Yeah? Awesome.

I don't even know what I'm talking about. I have two major papers to finish, that I HAVE to do well on. HAVE TO. If not, I risk not getting A's...and goddamn I'm going to get those A's if it kills me. See what Cal is doing to me? Sigh.