no sense of time.

So much has happened...RA training is done and over with and I'm five days away from beginning my senior year of college. I've finally done an original trilogy Star Wars marathon and I'm almost done with Scorsese on Scorsese. I'm working on my speech for my little brother's Bar Mitzvah (which is less than a week away) and prepping work for my DeCal. I've made a bajillion new friends while managing to feel lonely, and I continue to realize that I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

Growing up is fun, isn't it?

free fallin'.

The only way to describe how I'm feeling at this moment is to think of Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire when he's just made a deal and he's driving on the freeway and "Free Fallin'" by Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers comes on. I've just had an epiphany of sorts and I think I know what I want to do next year (or rather, what I don't want to do) and I'm excited that I'm not totally lost. At least, that's how I feel right now :)

The scene, for reference:


The original song, for those who haven't heard it all the way through:


And the John Mayer cover of the song, which despite ridicule from my best friend is one of my favorite songs/covers:

all the small things.

I was all set to write a huge post yesterday looking back, but of course it was the one day this week that I wasn't home at ALL. It was one of the best days I've had at Berkeley--class, a waterfight on Memorial Glade with CalTV people, talking to a professor about a paper I'm excited to write (on Harold and Maude!), Cheeseboard, gelato, and the movies! I was exhausted (I was out from 8am-10pm) but it was so worth it.

This morning, I woke up and had an unexpected email in my inbox.

***

LOVE! from self :D

Dear FutureMe,

april 23, 2009. the night before i find out about ucla, the night before my life changes. a week before i find out about berkeley, my dream school.

right now, it's 5:11 on a thursday afternoon. i locked my keys in my car today, and my friend (preny, from scholars, remember her?) had to drive me home to get my spare and then take me back to school. i have a russian history and a spanish midterm tomorrow, and i'm freaking out. and ucla starts to announce tomorrow...and berkeley next week... god, i really hope i end up going to berkeley, it's all i've ever wanted.

a year from now, i don't know where i'll be...but hopefully happy and satisfied with life. wherever i end up...remember that i'm good and smart and kind and there's so much more to life than school.

i'm single right now, perhaps i won't be a year from now. that's weird to think about, but who knows?

remember,
things happen for a reason, even if it takes time to figure it out. i never wanted to go to gcc but i did and it was the best decision of my life.

love yourself!

love,
yourself ;)

***

There's this website, called FutureMe.org, where you can write an email to yourself and have it sent to your inbox a year or more from now. I had totally forgotten that I had ever even heard of this site, until I got the email this morning.

It's funny to read. I remember how nervous I was, how I couldn't eat or sleep or study. I started my blog! And the first entry was about how nervous I was about waiting for UCLA to announce their results. I got into UCLA, and was ecstatic; finally, things seemed to be going my way. The week waiting for Berkeley to announce was the longest, most excruciating week of my life, especially because I knew the day and the time they were going to post. That day, I was a mess. I remember I went to the doctor's that day, and that was the only thing that really distracted me. I remember coming home, grabbing my laptop, and going to the living room. "Mom," I said, "it's time. And I really don't want to look." My mother reminded me that I had to check, and no matter if I had gotten into Cal or not, I had made her the proudest mother in the world. There was the frantic turning on of the computer, fumbling over the keyboard as I typed in the all-too familiar website with the information that would change my life. I remember reading the word "Congratulations" and not being able to breathe and starting to cry, despite myself. I had gotten into my dream school, I had done it, and every hardship that I went through to get there had been validated in an instant.

It's been a year, and I can definitely say that I'm happier than I've ever been, as well as satisfied with my life. It's a year later, and I just signed up for an LSAT class and I'm getting ready for life post-college. It's so weird to think that it's only been a year since coming to Berkeley, it honestly feels like a lifetime. I still think I'm a good person (though let's be honest, I'm biased), and I'm pretty smart, and yes, there IS so much more to life than school! Something I have to remind myself frequently, but it's an undeniable truth.

As far as being single, yeah, still am. But within this past year I was in my first serious relationship, and I fell head over heels. We were together for a large part of that year, but it's over now. That's still weird to think about, but I grew up so much and am a better person for everything I went through. Funny how I would have never predicted it, though...funny how life works sometimes.

Things really do happen for a reason, that's something I've always believed. Everything comes together and falls into place and it's that thought that gets me through the hard days and sleepless nights. Everything will be okay in the end, and I'm a better person for not always having it easy (though again, I've got to say I've got some of the most amazing things going on in my life and as "stressful" as my life is, I'm really lucky to be in school studying something I love). I've gone through a lot, but that's the point--I've gotten through it, and I'm okay.

Love yourself--trust me, I'm trying. It's a lifelong process, but I'm learning.

I'd definitely suggest sending yourself an email, see how much things change for you in a year. It's a good feeling to look back, and to see how much you've grown. It put a smile on my face and it's going to make enjoying this lovely day in the northern California sunshine that much better.

Happy birthday, blog! And congratulations on a good year, self, here's to many, many more. Cheers!

feeling the pull.

Growing up is hard. Moving away is hard. Trying to maintain relationships, with friends, family, and significant others, over 400 miles of distance, is ridiculously hard. There are days in which I question my decision to go to Berkeley; not in that it was difficult to choose to go there, but because I knew I'd make things harder on myself; debt-wise, life-wise. Though my family remains as amazing as ever, and my friends and I have never been closer, it doesn't make it any easier when I'm up there all alone. They're there--by phone, email, and Skype--but at the same time, sometimes I just need a hug, or someone to sit with me. I gave that up when I made the choice to go to Cal. This past week, ending a relationship that I truly thought would last a hell of a lot longer than eight months, I was reminded of what a precarious situation I had placed myself in by leaving, risking losing everything I'd ever loved. I'm aware of how melodramatic that sounds, but it's really difficult to maintain relationships and friendships with massive distance between you. I work everyday to make sure I don't lose them, putting in an extra effort I wouldn't have to make if I was actually present.

At the same time, by going to Berkeley and leaving my comfort zone, I've grown up more than I realized was possible. Going to UCLA would have been the easy choice for me, taking on less debt, living at home, staying in the same city as my best friends and not having to start over. I would get to go to my favorite hangouts and have new adventures with old friends...I would be content. But it wouldn't have pushed me to meet new people, to adapt to difficult situations, to learn to stand on my own two feet. In my heart, I know I made the best choice for me, even though it wasn't the easiest.

I try to live life without regrets, always telling people the truth and making sure they know I care. Putting myself out there usually ends with me getting hurt, but I sleep soundly at night knowing that I said what I was feeling. Also, life is too short to keep some things in, because what if something happens to the person you wanted to say something to? Just go for it, you have nothing to lose. In terms of the last eight months, I have no regrets about anything; it was the happiest I'd been in a really long time. When I decided to move to Berkeley, my whole world turned around. On the way there, I found someone that understood my quirks and thought all the better of me for it. He was someone who I just fit with, who just made sense. The only thing off was he just happened to be staying the very place I was leaving behind. Although it worked for awhile, it wasn't a fair situation for anyone and now it's over.

I chose Berkeley, and although it wasn't the easiest choice, I have to keep reminding myself that it was, and is, the best thing I could have done for myself.

not dark yet.

Life is good, too good, and sometimes we need to stop and appreciate what we have instead of complaining about what we don't. It's too short and unpredictable to always be looking ahead; revel in the moment!

Just something I've been thinking about a lot lately.

let it be.

What I've come to expect from life is when everything is going well and according to plan, something has to come up and remind you that not everything is sunshine and daisies. Everything was going so well, things were bound to go awry eventually. While this may be a more pessimistic view of life, it certainly seems to work out that way, so pardon me for sticking with my cynicism. I'm not going to elaborate too much; this is a public forum, and I don't want just anyone reading about my personal issues. However, this is the first time I've had to deal with something of magnitude completely on my own, and it's really hard. Away at school and far from any family members or close friends, I am left by myself to deal with this. Luckily I'm flying home on Monday and so I'll be with the people who matter most in a matter of days, but it's still hard to be up here and completely helpless...not that I'd be able to do much if I was home anyways. Cryptic much? I suppose. In any case, what's happening is a valuable lesson: enjoy the good times, learn from the bad ones, and never take the people you love for granted.



xo
Andrea

get back.

I feel overwhelmed. By school, by friends (or lack thereof), by the future, by monetary issues, by new feelings, by having to make decisions, by having to grow up.

For the most part, I'd say I'm doing okay; in fact, I'd even venture as far as saying that I'm doing well. But then I have these moments where nothing is clear, and the lack of clarity terrifies me. When I was going through the transfer process, everything made sense--essentially, I just had to follow a list of steps, and if I did everything right, I would end up where I wanted. Easy enough. But now that I'm here, at Berkeley, my goal since I was twelve...where do I go next? I know, I need to stop worrying about the future and focus on the present. Hell, if the universe ends in 2012 it won't actually matter if I end up going to film school or law school, right? So I can just take the year off until the apocalypse? Yeah? Awesome.

I don't even know what I'm talking about. I have two major papers to finish, that I HAVE to do well on. HAVE TO. If not, I risk not getting A's...and goddamn I'm going to get those A's if it kills me. See what Cal is doing to me? Sigh.

Note to self: No matter where you are in the world, or who you're with, you still have good days and bad days, and that's okay, and the way things naturally flow.

carpe diem!

Nothing like some good ice cream and good conversation to remind you of the simple pleasures in life.
It's important to remember that not everything is about school. I have to keep reminding myself this, because it is way too easy to get caught up in what I call the "Berkeley mentality" of "study study study; future future future!" There's something to be said about living in the present, taking the time to enjoy yourself and just live. Yes, I need to think about next semester/next year/my future. I need to figure out if I want to do law school/grad school/film school/none of the above. I know I need to deal with my reading and my essays and my financial aid. I know I should get caught up where I'm behind, I should even try to get ahead. I'm really good at getting caught up in the bullshit that is school; I tend to get ridiculously stressed easily and I forget that by this time next year, I won't care about the grade I got on a paper this semester. Life is so much more than grades! I mean, they're important, but my mental health and sanity is much more important. It's okay to not know what I'm doing next year or once I get my degree, and it's okay to not have a plan...in fact, maybe that's for the best. I've had a plan since high school and although it's terrifying to not have one, at the same time, it's absolutely thrilling and exciting. Besides, there's no knowing what the future will hold, so why focus all my time on it when I could be enjoying the present?

Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero – "Seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the future"

and so it begins.

Today is the first day of my new job (a receptionist at Berkeley Hillel) and class. It's finally hit me that I'm going to Cal, that I've actually accomplished something I'd only dreamed of. This is what accomplishment feels like, kids, and it's the best feeling in the world.