I've noticed that as of late, I've become a lot pickier about what I want to post here. I don't want to post inane ramblings, or miscellaneous film reviews. I haven't posted pictures in awhile, mostly because I haven't really done anything worthy of documenting and I never have my camera with me anymore. I'm in an unusual state of mind, trying to finish strong at Cal and make a decent entrance into the so-called "real world." I'm so unsure of what I want and of where I'll be in the next few months that it's making it really hard to focus on the present.
School is stressful. Such a simple sentence for such a complicated statement! Last night, I came to the alarming realization that this weekend I was way behind on on work. I needed to write a 1 page response on the documentary "We Live in Public" (which I HIGHLY recommend watching if you get a chance, it's on Netflix Instant watch!), a 4-5 page analytical paper on an image and the cultural myth/ideologies it perpetuates (which is far, FAR more complicated than it sounds; I'm writing my paper on this image), a 4-5 page segment for my thesis on the methods I'm utilizing PLUS editing and re-writing my literature review (the first 10 pages of my thesis). I also had to watch The Jazz Singer, and this isn't taking into account the hundreds upon hundreds of pages of reading that I have yet to do, or the stuff I have to do for my Apartment Assistant job.
It's so funny to me when I hear people tell me that they think I have it "all together"...if that were the case, I wouldn't be freaking out right now! I guess it's best to appear put-together rather than frantic and mildly neurotic, but it's also frustrating that people don't believe me when I say I've got a lot on my plate; a double-edged sword indeed. It's stressful, but when I think of how far I've come, I start to feel better. I'm a transfer student and yet I've taken on so much; I'm actually really proud of myself, and when I think about that, it helps me calm down and focus. I've made a to-do list and a calendar of the weekend, trying to balance out my ridiculous amount of work with a pathetic attempt at a social life and I think that if I stick to it, I should be alright. I've been at FSM all day with Nick, one of my fellow AAs and I've already finished the 1 page response paper and outlined a lot of my 4-5 page image analysis, so hurray!
Also! This past Monday was Valentine's Day. It's a holiday I've never liked (reading through my old paper journal, I laughed when 13-year-old me complained about the commercialization of love~), but my friend Katie surprised me with tickets to go see The Decemberists at the Fox Theater in Oakland. It was without a doubt one of the BEST concerts I'd ever been to, and it was a necessary reminder to stop killing myself over school and live a little. When they played my favorite song ("The Engine Driver") I started crying; to finally hear a song that has helped me through so much played live, by the people who wrote it...that's a feeling unlike any other. They also married a couple on-stage (!!) and had a jam session...all in the middle of a song. It was, in a word, epic. Another word? Perfect. Another? Amazing. There are not enough good things to say about a band that I've loved since I was sixteen and has been with me through some of the most challenging and important moments of my life, and I'm so lucky to have been able to see them for a second time with such delightful company :)
Here's a video someone in the audience took of the very last song they played in their second (!) encore, "June Hymn." Enjoy!
Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Friday, April 23, 2010
all the small things.
I was all set to write a huge post yesterday looking back, but of course it was the one day this week that I wasn't home at ALL. It was one of the best days I've had at Berkeley--class, a waterfight on Memorial Glade with CalTV people, talking to a professor about a paper I'm excited to write (on Harold and Maude!), Cheeseboard, gelato, and the movies! I was exhausted (I was out from 8am-10pm) but it was so worth it.
This morning, I woke up and had an unexpected email in my inbox.
***
LOVE! from self :D
Dear FutureMe,
april 23, 2009. the night before i find out about ucla, the night before my life changes. a week before i find out about berkeley, my dream school.
right now, it's 5:11 on a thursday afternoon. i locked my keys in my car today, and my friend (preny, from scholars, remember her?) had to drive me home to get my spare and then take me back to school. i have a russian history and a spanish midterm tomorrow, and i'm freaking out. and ucla starts to announce tomorrow...and berkeley next week... god, i really hope i end up going to berkeley, it's all i've ever wanted.
a year from now, i don't know where i'll be...but hopefully happy and satisfied with life. wherever i end up...remember that i'm good and smart and kind and there's so much more to life than school.
i'm single right now, perhaps i won't be a year from now. that's weird to think about, but who knows?
remember,
things happen for a reason, even if it takes time to figure it out. i never wanted to go to gcc but i did and it was the best decision of my life.
love yourself!
love,
yourself ;)
***
There's this website, called FutureMe.org, where you can write an email to yourself and have it sent to your inbox a year or more from now. I had totally forgotten that I had ever even heard of this site, until I got the email this morning.
It's funny to read. I remember how nervous I was, how I couldn't eat or sleep or study. I started my blog! And the first entry was about how nervous I was about waiting for UCLA to announce their results. I got into UCLA, and was ecstatic; finally, things seemed to be going my way. The week waiting for Berkeley to announce was the longest, most excruciating week of my life, especially because I knew the day and the time they were going to post. That day, I was a mess. I remember I went to the doctor's that day, and that was the only thing that really distracted me. I remember coming home, grabbing my laptop, and going to the living room. "Mom," I said, "it's time. And I really don't want to look." My mother reminded me that I had to check, and no matter if I had gotten into Cal or not, I had made her the proudest mother in the world. There was the frantic turning on of the computer, fumbling over the keyboard as I typed in the all-too familiar website with the information that would change my life. I remember reading the word "Congratulations" and not being able to breathe and starting to cry, despite myself. I had gotten into my dream school, I had done it, and every hardship that I went through to get there had been validated in an instant.
It's been a year, and I can definitely say that I'm happier than I've ever been, as well as satisfied with my life. It's a year later, and I just signed up for an LSAT class and I'm getting ready for life post-college. It's so weird to think that it's only been a year since coming to Berkeley, it honestly feels like a lifetime. I still think I'm a good person (though let's be honest, I'm biased), and I'm pretty smart, and yes, there IS so much more to life than school! Something I have to remind myself frequently, but it's an undeniable truth.
As far as being single, yeah, still am. But within this past year I was in my first serious relationship, and I fell head over heels. We were together for a large part of that year, but it's over now. That's still weird to think about, but I grew up so much and am a better person for everything I went through. Funny how I would have never predicted it, though...funny how life works sometimes.
Things really do happen for a reason, that's something I've always believed. Everything comes together and falls into place and it's that thought that gets me through the hard days and sleepless nights. Everything will be okay in the end, and I'm a better person for not always having it easy (though again, I've got to say I've got some of the most amazing things going on in my life and as "stressful" as my life is, I'm really lucky to be in school studying something I love). I've gone through a lot, but that's the point--I've gotten through it, and I'm okay.
Love yourself--trust me, I'm trying. It's a lifelong process, but I'm learning.
I'd definitely suggest sending yourself an email, see how much things change for you in a year. It's a good feeling to look back, and to see how much you've grown. It put a smile on my face and it's going to make enjoying this lovely day in the northern California sunshine that much better.
Happy birthday, blog! And congratulations on a good year, self, here's to many, many more. Cheers!
This morning, I woke up and had an unexpected email in my inbox.
***
LOVE! from self :D
Dear FutureMe,
april 23, 2009. the night before i find out about ucla, the night before my life changes. a week before i find out about berkeley, my dream school.
right now, it's 5:11 on a thursday afternoon. i locked my keys in my car today, and my friend (preny, from scholars, remember her?) had to drive me home to get my spare and then take me back to school. i have a russian history and a spanish midterm tomorrow, and i'm freaking out. and ucla starts to announce tomorrow...and berkeley next week... god, i really hope i end up going to berkeley, it's all i've ever wanted.
a year from now, i don't know where i'll be...but hopefully happy and satisfied with life. wherever i end up...remember that i'm good and smart and kind and there's so much more to life than school.
i'm single right now, perhaps i won't be a year from now. that's weird to think about, but who knows?
remember,
things happen for a reason, even if it takes time to figure it out. i never wanted to go to gcc but i did and it was the best decision of my life.
love yourself!
love,
yourself ;)
***
There's this website, called FutureMe.org, where you can write an email to yourself and have it sent to your inbox a year or more from now. I had totally forgotten that I had ever even heard of this site, until I got the email this morning.
It's funny to read. I remember how nervous I was, how I couldn't eat or sleep or study. I started my blog! And the first entry was about how nervous I was about waiting for UCLA to announce their results. I got into UCLA, and was ecstatic; finally, things seemed to be going my way. The week waiting for Berkeley to announce was the longest, most excruciating week of my life, especially because I knew the day and the time they were going to post. That day, I was a mess. I remember I went to the doctor's that day, and that was the only thing that really distracted me. I remember coming home, grabbing my laptop, and going to the living room. "Mom," I said, "it's time. And I really don't want to look." My mother reminded me that I had to check, and no matter if I had gotten into Cal or not, I had made her the proudest mother in the world. There was the frantic turning on of the computer, fumbling over the keyboard as I typed in the all-too familiar website with the information that would change my life. I remember reading the word "Congratulations" and not being able to breathe and starting to cry, despite myself. I had gotten into my dream school, I had done it, and every hardship that I went through to get there had been validated in an instant.
It's been a year, and I can definitely say that I'm happier than I've ever been, as well as satisfied with my life. It's a year later, and I just signed up for an LSAT class and I'm getting ready for life post-college. It's so weird to think that it's only been a year since coming to Berkeley, it honestly feels like a lifetime. I still think I'm a good person (though let's be honest, I'm biased), and I'm pretty smart, and yes, there IS so much more to life than school! Something I have to remind myself frequently, but it's an undeniable truth.
As far as being single, yeah, still am. But within this past year I was in my first serious relationship, and I fell head over heels. We were together for a large part of that year, but it's over now. That's still weird to think about, but I grew up so much and am a better person for everything I went through. Funny how I would have never predicted it, though...funny how life works sometimes.
Things really do happen for a reason, that's something I've always believed. Everything comes together and falls into place and it's that thought that gets me through the hard days and sleepless nights. Everything will be okay in the end, and I'm a better person for not always having it easy (though again, I've got to say I've got some of the most amazing things going on in my life and as "stressful" as my life is, I'm really lucky to be in school studying something I love). I've gone through a lot, but that's the point--I've gotten through it, and I'm okay.
Love yourself--trust me, I'm trying. It's a lifelong process, but I'm learning.
I'd definitely suggest sending yourself an email, see how much things change for you in a year. It's a good feeling to look back, and to see how much you've grown. It put a smile on my face and it's going to make enjoying this lovely day in the northern California sunshine that much better.
Happy birthday, blog! And congratulations on a good year, self, here's to many, many more. Cheers!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
if you want to sing out, sing out.
I don't know how to start off this blog eloquently, but basically, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the concept of higher education in American society.
Obviously, I'm an advocate of going to college--I'm currently going into massive debt to get my Bachelor's degree. However, recently I've been questioning how necessary getting a degree is; or rather, how necessary getting a degree should be. Does it prove something, and if it does, should that be a determining factor in someone's career? I'm not suggesting that an average Joe can just want to be a lawyer and become one; obviously, there has to be some sort of training for certain jobs. But for the countless number of us liberal arts majors (you know who you are, you English/History/Film/Anthropology/Mass Comm people!), is a degree really necessary? What would getting a Bachelor's in Russian History do in terms of working well with people in an office? Unless you're lucky enough to become a professional scholar on the Russian Revolution, chances are you're not going to be working on something related to your degree. I'm not trying to be mean here, I ask this considering that I almost majored in Russian History! Most of our degrees aren't teaching us practical things...they're teaching us theory, and they're teaching us how to think, but in the real world (and I say this based on my limited experience working out there), knowing Marx's theory of false consciousness doesn't mean a thing. I mean, it's an advantage I guess, but at the same time, if you can't unjam a copy machine what good does your fancy education do you?
I understand the value in going to a university, or at least, I do in the traditional sense. Those who are better educated are theoretically better citizens, and the better the citizens the better the democracy. Going to college used to be a rare event, reserved for the elite and the brilliant; as it becomes more accessible it also becomes more commonplace. Getting a degree used to mean you were special, that you had worked harder than anyone else and were getting prepared for a career. Nowadays, anyone and everyone can get a degree, and although the accessibility is wonderful, at the same time it diminishes the distinction between one person and the next. Once you have a degree, that's it...and you know what they say, even C's graduate. These days, one has to go the ~extra mile~ and go to graduate school, law school, or medical school in order to truly stand out among their peers. What, you mean my four years of undergraduate work don't matter anymore!? To be honest, the only reason many people go through undergrad is to get to the graduate level. I even had an advisor once tell me that my undergraduate major doesn't matter at all because I'm going to have to get further schooling anyways. Really? Way to be motivational!
In addition, people's motives for college have changed somewhat. Obviously, one goes to get a higher education to prepare them for a career. However, what happens if you want to go for a career that doesn't require a law degree, or a medical degree? What if you want to be a writer, and you've done writing workshops, and you just have a natural talent? Should you be required to go through the same educational system as someone pursuing a degree in engineering? I get that they're not the same thing, but it's just really frustrating to think that people feel obligated to get degrees, even though they can't afford it and they don't necessarily need them. Furthermore, a lot of technical colleges have lost support over the years, and so people no longer have as many 2-year options, so they are forced to get a 4-year degree.
Again, I'll restate the fact that I'm one of many, many people getting my degree. Personally, I view my education as an investment, and the experience itself of going to a world renowned university and moving out and all that jazz has been amazing. I'll defend my choice to go to school to the death...I love going to school and learning and as much as I complain about the work, I really do enjoy it. On the other hand, I'm acknowledging the fact that this system isn't made for everyone, and that it shouldn't be mandatory for those who, in all honesty, don't really need it. There are plenty of brilliant people I know who don't go to college, and they're a hell of a lot smarter than I am. Getting your degree and studying should be something you want, rather than something you need. I just wish society could be as tolerant about a ~lack of education, because a lack of a degree does NOT mean a lack of knowledge, skills, or talent!
Obviously, I'm an advocate of going to college--I'm currently going into massive debt to get my Bachelor's degree. However, recently I've been questioning how necessary getting a degree is; or rather, how necessary getting a degree should be. Does it prove something, and if it does, should that be a determining factor in someone's career? I'm not suggesting that an average Joe can just want to be a lawyer and become one; obviously, there has to be some sort of training for certain jobs. But for the countless number of us liberal arts majors (you know who you are, you English/History/Film/Anthropology/Mass Comm people!), is a degree really necessary? What would getting a Bachelor's in Russian History do in terms of working well with people in an office? Unless you're lucky enough to become a professional scholar on the Russian Revolution, chances are you're not going to be working on something related to your degree. I'm not trying to be mean here, I ask this considering that I almost majored in Russian History! Most of our degrees aren't teaching us practical things...they're teaching us theory, and they're teaching us how to think, but in the real world (and I say this based on my limited experience working out there), knowing Marx's theory of false consciousness doesn't mean a thing. I mean, it's an advantage I guess, but at the same time, if you can't unjam a copy machine what good does your fancy education do you?
I understand the value in going to a university, or at least, I do in the traditional sense. Those who are better educated are theoretically better citizens, and the better the citizens the better the democracy. Going to college used to be a rare event, reserved for the elite and the brilliant; as it becomes more accessible it also becomes more commonplace. Getting a degree used to mean you were special, that you had worked harder than anyone else and were getting prepared for a career. Nowadays, anyone and everyone can get a degree, and although the accessibility is wonderful, at the same time it diminishes the distinction between one person and the next. Once you have a degree, that's it...and you know what they say, even C's graduate. These days, one has to go the ~extra mile~ and go to graduate school, law school, or medical school in order to truly stand out among their peers. What, you mean my four years of undergraduate work don't matter anymore!? To be honest, the only reason many people go through undergrad is to get to the graduate level. I even had an advisor once tell me that my undergraduate major doesn't matter at all because I'm going to have to get further schooling anyways. Really? Way to be motivational!
In addition, people's motives for college have changed somewhat. Obviously, one goes to get a higher education to prepare them for a career. However, what happens if you want to go for a career that doesn't require a law degree, or a medical degree? What if you want to be a writer, and you've done writing workshops, and you just have a natural talent? Should you be required to go through the same educational system as someone pursuing a degree in engineering? I get that they're not the same thing, but it's just really frustrating to think that people feel obligated to get degrees, even though they can't afford it and they don't necessarily need them. Furthermore, a lot of technical colleges have lost support over the years, and so people no longer have as many 2-year options, so they are forced to get a 4-year degree.
Again, I'll restate the fact that I'm one of many, many people getting my degree. Personally, I view my education as an investment, and the experience itself of going to a world renowned university and moving out and all that jazz has been amazing. I'll defend my choice to go to school to the death...I love going to school and learning and as much as I complain about the work, I really do enjoy it. On the other hand, I'm acknowledging the fact that this system isn't made for everyone, and that it shouldn't be mandatory for those who, in all honesty, don't really need it. There are plenty of brilliant people I know who don't go to college, and they're a hell of a lot smarter than I am. Getting your degree and studying should be something you want, rather than something you need. I just wish society could be as tolerant about a ~lack of education, because a lack of a degree does NOT mean a lack of knowledge, skills, or talent!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)