inconceivable!

This semester is already turning out to be ridiculous.

As a transfer student who only gets two years at Cal, I definitely wanted to do everything possible to get as much as I could out of my college experience. Not to say I didn't get something out of my community college years--that was an experience in it of itself--but Berkeley was, and is, different. In any case, I immediately got involved in a variety of things, helping me avoid that period of homesickness that a lot of people experience once they move away to school. Though fall semester of 2009 was an adjustment period, it was the foundation for an amazing spring, summer, and fall of 2010. I went through a lot since I've been here--moving away, going somewhere in which I was completely alone with no one I knew around me, living with people I didn't know (and didn't particularly care for, for the most part), attending classes where the expectations and the stakes were tremendously high, my first serious relationship and first intense break-up, my first foray into the world of college partying (ha), meeting tons of new people, learning how to build friendships from the bottom up, learning how to trust people and let them in, growing up, working...it's a lot in a short amount of time.

In any case, the lack of time has led me to push myself more than a lot of people might have. This semester is already turning out to be ridiculously busy; despite the fact that I'm only taking two classes, I'm also writing an honors thesis (!), working as an Apartment Assistant, working as the advisor for the Apartment Association, and working front desk at Hillel. Attempting to maintain any sort of social life while all of this is going on is all sorts of impossible. I had to quit CalTV because I literally have no free time, and seeing my friends has become a fond memory. I'm torn--I don't want to waste my last semester of college in the library, but at the same, I don't want to waste my last semester at Berkeley screwing around, especially because I'm not sure if I'm even going to grad school right now. If this is my last semester in school ever, not only is that a terrifying thought but it's also motivation to push myself ridiculously hard. It's a fine line, and it appears that, at least for the moment, I've chosen academia over socializing. I have made a point to take Wednesday nights off--that's trivia night at the Bear's Lair, where my friends and I have been trivia regulars since last November. It's the highlight of my week, surrounded by friends and the coolest bar staff EVER, but then it's over and I go back to hitting the books. Other than that and the occasional movie/game night, I only get to see my friends when I study or eat with them. It kind of sucks, but hey, what can I do?

I can't believe I'm graduating in a matter of weeks. I can't believe that on May 5, I'll have completed a thesis (on the internet, identity, and privacy...it's going to be AWESOME). I'm currently job hunting, and although I'd love to stay in the Bay Area, I might be moving back to LA. I'm in shock, honestly.

Also, this is tangental but I can't believe I'm having an emergency root canal today, haha. I don't have time for this!

Ridiculous.

paranoid android.

This blog began as a place to document my experience as a transfer student, and quickly became a place to catalog my Berkeley experience as a whole. I'm afraid that it's gotten too personal, and that one day the words I've written, or have refused to write, will come back to haunt me. It was impossible to write an honest account of everything because I didn't want to write things that were hurtful about anyone, and quite frankly, not everyone I encountered in the past year helped make my junior year memorable. Instead, I chose to gloss over or not even mention some of the difficulties I went through last year, because again, I didn't want to hurt anyone...not that they cared if what they were doing was hurting me. Regardless, it wasn't a full and honest account of what I went through, and yet, I feel as though I've still managed to put too much of myself into this blog. However, I don't know any other way to write, other than to say what I think and feel...I guess I need to start looking for a middle ground. No drastic changes to come as of now, but just something I had been thinking about for awhile.

all the small things.

I was all set to write a huge post yesterday looking back, but of course it was the one day this week that I wasn't home at ALL. It was one of the best days I've had at Berkeley--class, a waterfight on Memorial Glade with CalTV people, talking to a professor about a paper I'm excited to write (on Harold and Maude!), Cheeseboard, gelato, and the movies! I was exhausted (I was out from 8am-10pm) but it was so worth it.

This morning, I woke up and had an unexpected email in my inbox.

***

LOVE! from self :D

Dear FutureMe,

april 23, 2009. the night before i find out about ucla, the night before my life changes. a week before i find out about berkeley, my dream school.

right now, it's 5:11 on a thursday afternoon. i locked my keys in my car today, and my friend (preny, from scholars, remember her?) had to drive me home to get my spare and then take me back to school. i have a russian history and a spanish midterm tomorrow, and i'm freaking out. and ucla starts to announce tomorrow...and berkeley next week... god, i really hope i end up going to berkeley, it's all i've ever wanted.

a year from now, i don't know where i'll be...but hopefully happy and satisfied with life. wherever i end up...remember that i'm good and smart and kind and there's so much more to life than school.

i'm single right now, perhaps i won't be a year from now. that's weird to think about, but who knows?

remember,
things happen for a reason, even if it takes time to figure it out. i never wanted to go to gcc but i did and it was the best decision of my life.

love yourself!

love,
yourself ;)

***

There's this website, called FutureMe.org, where you can write an email to yourself and have it sent to your inbox a year or more from now. I had totally forgotten that I had ever even heard of this site, until I got the email this morning.

It's funny to read. I remember how nervous I was, how I couldn't eat or sleep or study. I started my blog! And the first entry was about how nervous I was about waiting for UCLA to announce their results. I got into UCLA, and was ecstatic; finally, things seemed to be going my way. The week waiting for Berkeley to announce was the longest, most excruciating week of my life, especially because I knew the day and the time they were going to post. That day, I was a mess. I remember I went to the doctor's that day, and that was the only thing that really distracted me. I remember coming home, grabbing my laptop, and going to the living room. "Mom," I said, "it's time. And I really don't want to look." My mother reminded me that I had to check, and no matter if I had gotten into Cal or not, I had made her the proudest mother in the world. There was the frantic turning on of the computer, fumbling over the keyboard as I typed in the all-too familiar website with the information that would change my life. I remember reading the word "Congratulations" and not being able to breathe and starting to cry, despite myself. I had gotten into my dream school, I had done it, and every hardship that I went through to get there had been validated in an instant.

It's been a year, and I can definitely say that I'm happier than I've ever been, as well as satisfied with my life. It's a year later, and I just signed up for an LSAT class and I'm getting ready for life post-college. It's so weird to think that it's only been a year since coming to Berkeley, it honestly feels like a lifetime. I still think I'm a good person (though let's be honest, I'm biased), and I'm pretty smart, and yes, there IS so much more to life than school! Something I have to remind myself frequently, but it's an undeniable truth.

As far as being single, yeah, still am. But within this past year I was in my first serious relationship, and I fell head over heels. We were together for a large part of that year, but it's over now. That's still weird to think about, but I grew up so much and am a better person for everything I went through. Funny how I would have never predicted it, though...funny how life works sometimes.

Things really do happen for a reason, that's something I've always believed. Everything comes together and falls into place and it's that thought that gets me through the hard days and sleepless nights. Everything will be okay in the end, and I'm a better person for not always having it easy (though again, I've got to say I've got some of the most amazing things going on in my life and as "stressful" as my life is, I'm really lucky to be in school studying something I love). I've gone through a lot, but that's the point--I've gotten through it, and I'm okay.

Love yourself--trust me, I'm trying. It's a lifelong process, but I'm learning.

I'd definitely suggest sending yourself an email, see how much things change for you in a year. It's a good feeling to look back, and to see how much you've grown. It put a smile on my face and it's going to make enjoying this lovely day in the northern California sunshine that much better.

Happy birthday, blog! And congratulations on a good year, self, here's to many, many more. Cheers!

feeling the pull.

Growing up is hard. Moving away is hard. Trying to maintain relationships, with friends, family, and significant others, over 400 miles of distance, is ridiculously hard. There are days in which I question my decision to go to Berkeley; not in that it was difficult to choose to go there, but because I knew I'd make things harder on myself; debt-wise, life-wise. Though my family remains as amazing as ever, and my friends and I have never been closer, it doesn't make it any easier when I'm up there all alone. They're there--by phone, email, and Skype--but at the same time, sometimes I just need a hug, or someone to sit with me. I gave that up when I made the choice to go to Cal. This past week, ending a relationship that I truly thought would last a hell of a lot longer than eight months, I was reminded of what a precarious situation I had placed myself in by leaving, risking losing everything I'd ever loved. I'm aware of how melodramatic that sounds, but it's really difficult to maintain relationships and friendships with massive distance between you. I work everyday to make sure I don't lose them, putting in an extra effort I wouldn't have to make if I was actually present.

At the same time, by going to Berkeley and leaving my comfort zone, I've grown up more than I realized was possible. Going to UCLA would have been the easy choice for me, taking on less debt, living at home, staying in the same city as my best friends and not having to start over. I would get to go to my favorite hangouts and have new adventures with old friends...I would be content. But it wouldn't have pushed me to meet new people, to adapt to difficult situations, to learn to stand on my own two feet. In my heart, I know I made the best choice for me, even though it wasn't the easiest.

I try to live life without regrets, always telling people the truth and making sure they know I care. Putting myself out there usually ends with me getting hurt, but I sleep soundly at night knowing that I said what I was feeling. Also, life is too short to keep some things in, because what if something happens to the person you wanted to say something to? Just go for it, you have nothing to lose. In terms of the last eight months, I have no regrets about anything; it was the happiest I'd been in a really long time. When I decided to move to Berkeley, my whole world turned around. On the way there, I found someone that understood my quirks and thought all the better of me for it. He was someone who I just fit with, who just made sense. The only thing off was he just happened to be staying the very place I was leaving behind. Although it worked for awhile, it wasn't a fair situation for anyone and now it's over.

I chose Berkeley, and although it wasn't the easiest choice, I have to keep reminding myself that it was, and is, the best thing I could have done for myself.

brand new day.

This week has been ridiculously stressful, to say the least. As I mentioned in a previous entry, things had been going too well so things were bound to get a little screwy eventually, right? :) Between classes, tests, a MAJOR paper (that I have legitimately been working on for a week and am still nowhere near done), CalTV, work, Apartment Association, friend drama, and more, it's a lot to handle! I've been trying really hard to maintain control over my insecurities and feelings, but it's so hard sometimes. That's two thing that you totally lose when you leave for college, people who will tolerate you when you're emotional and a space in which you can be emotional. As lame as it sounds, it's really hard not having a space that is totally my own in which I can cry, laugh, sing, talk, yell or sleep without anyone watching. This total lack of privacy is completely unnerving at times, and it's only now that I realize that I've taken it for granted my whole life. I can't wait to have my own room next year, and regain that little bit of sanity that comes along with having my own space.

Throughout all the things that have happened this week, of which I don't care to elaborate because a) it'll only upset me more b) it'll upset the other people involved and c) the specifics aren't really important, it's become ridiculously apparent that I have amazing friends. Whether it be my best friend in Los Angeles, my friends up here or my boy back home, everyone has been so understanding and calming and I don't think that I would have retained my calm without their help. I'd also like to make a special shout-out to my mother who has been nothing short of amazing these past few days as I've slowly begun my descent into the madness that is stress.

Things are good, life is amazing. It's easy to get caught up in the moment and get upset over meaningless things but I have to stop myself and just remember that I am exactly where I want to be, with the most amazing people around me and in my life, and although things could be better, it's these moments that exist so that we can truly value the good things life has to offer.

waiting on the world to change.

First of all, I'm planning on renaming my blog, so suggestions are more than welcome :) In fact, they're kind of necessary, so shoot me an email!

In other news...this semester is intense. And by intense, I mean it's the second week of classes and I need to have three books read by next week, as well as two short stories, two court decisions, and three articles. I also need to finish a cover letter, go over my resume, write the appeal to get into my major, and finish applying to scholarships. What the hell!? Not cool. Regardless, tomorrow I'm going to spend the day in San Francisco with one of my best friends from high school...I know that school-wise it isn't the best choice, but it's what I need, mental health-wise. For the most part I've been doing really well but I can feel some of my old insecurities and bad habits sneaking up on me and it's not good. Hopefully tomorrow will provide enough distraction/amusement/adventure/happiness to diffuse all the weird stuff going on with me. Not that things are going badly--honestly, things have never been better--but I'm just having to face some things that I've been avoiding dealing with. In any case, things are bound to look up...they have to. I'm really homesick as well; I love Berkeley and all (and I am so, SO happy here, especially with my new Birthright friends who I have bonded with more than I would have ever expected), but I haven't seen my family since December and it's been a really intense month and I just want to go home. Twelve days and I will be back in my bed, in my city surrounded by all of the people I love.

honestly...

In writing a personal lifestyle blog such as this, there's a thin line between honesty and talking too much; I want to convey my experiences as a college student as honestly as possible, but I'm afraid of putting too much of myself out into the world, especially considering that this is a TOTALLY open blog that anyone in the world has access to. Anyone! A scary thought, that anyone anywhere could be reading about my life...then again, I started this blog knowing that risk. Anyways... honesty. It's sometimes hard to be completely honest, because eventually someone would read something and get hurt, or I'd say something that someone could use against me. I have had far too many friends that have lost jobs or employment opportunities due to things they've said on blogs/twitter/facebook (though really, WHY they said some of the things they did is beyond me). In any case, it would suck. Then again, why do I bother writing a blog if I can't be completely honest about my college experience? It's not all rainbows and sunshine, not every person I've met has been amazing, not all of my classes/professors are perfect (despite that I'm at one of the best schools in the country), life isn't always perfect, etc. It's a conundrum, and I'm honestly still debating what to do about it.

In any case, tonight's the night--tomorrow I finish my first semester at Cal. I have to finish writing my advertising paper and continue studying for Media Studies...so. close. !!!! I was feeling pretty down earlier, but talking to my family and my best friend on the phone definitely gave me the motivation I needed to just get it done. Tomorrow's going to be a long day, but after it's over...that's it, my first semester at Berkeley will be totally over. I'm excited, but nervous! Expect a recap post once I get home. Wednesday I'll be packing all day (since I need to pack for LA, Israel, and NYC!) and then Thursday I will be flying home! I could not BE more excited.

One more crazy scholarly night, and I'm free until the 19th of January. I can do it!

P.S. - Could I have possibly used the word "honestly" anymore?! Honestly!