inconceivable!

This semester is already turning out to be ridiculous.

As a transfer student who only gets two years at Cal, I definitely wanted to do everything possible to get as much as I could out of my college experience. Not to say I didn't get something out of my community college years--that was an experience in it of itself--but Berkeley was, and is, different. In any case, I immediately got involved in a variety of things, helping me avoid that period of homesickness that a lot of people experience once they move away to school. Though fall semester of 2009 was an adjustment period, it was the foundation for an amazing spring, summer, and fall of 2010. I went through a lot since I've been here--moving away, going somewhere in which I was completely alone with no one I knew around me, living with people I didn't know (and didn't particularly care for, for the most part), attending classes where the expectations and the stakes were tremendously high, my first serious relationship and first intense break-up, my first foray into the world of college partying (ha), meeting tons of new people, learning how to build friendships from the bottom up, learning how to trust people and let them in, growing up, working...it's a lot in a short amount of time.

In any case, the lack of time has led me to push myself more than a lot of people might have. This semester is already turning out to be ridiculously busy; despite the fact that I'm only taking two classes, I'm also writing an honors thesis (!), working as an Apartment Assistant, working as the advisor for the Apartment Association, and working front desk at Hillel. Attempting to maintain any sort of social life while all of this is going on is all sorts of impossible. I had to quit CalTV because I literally have no free time, and seeing my friends has become a fond memory. I'm torn--I don't want to waste my last semester of college in the library, but at the same, I don't want to waste my last semester at Berkeley screwing around, especially because I'm not sure if I'm even going to grad school right now. If this is my last semester in school ever, not only is that a terrifying thought but it's also motivation to push myself ridiculously hard. It's a fine line, and it appears that, at least for the moment, I've chosen academia over socializing. I have made a point to take Wednesday nights off--that's trivia night at the Bear's Lair, where my friends and I have been trivia regulars since last November. It's the highlight of my week, surrounded by friends and the coolest bar staff EVER, but then it's over and I go back to hitting the books. Other than that and the occasional movie/game night, I only get to see my friends when I study or eat with them. It kind of sucks, but hey, what can I do?

I can't believe I'm graduating in a matter of weeks. I can't believe that on May 5, I'll have completed a thesis (on the internet, identity, and privacy...it's going to be AWESOME). I'm currently job hunting, and although I'd love to stay in the Bay Area, I might be moving back to LA. I'm in shock, honestly.

Also, this is tangental but I can't believe I'm having an emergency root canal today, haha. I don't have time for this!

Ridiculous.

blackbird.

Lately, I can't sleep. I brush my teeth, turn off my computer and the lights, play a game of solitaire and attempt to fall asleep. For the last couple of weeks, it's failed. I've tried everything, from hot tea to soothing music, and none of it has been working. For some reason or another, I have too much on my mind to be able to rest, and the last couple of nights I've had a variety of strange dreams when I DO manage to fall asleep. Last night was ridiculous; after the LSAT I got home, ate dinner, watched a couple of episodes of Buffy and attempted to go to bed at 11:00pm, only to be awake until 4:00am. When I did fall asleep, I managed to have one of the most upsetting dreams in recent history; needless to say, I didn't feel very rested when I woke up this morning. I honestly don't know why I'm so stressed; I'm done with the LSAT and despite having tons to do for my AA job, I have a lot of free time now! Time to sleep, read, write, eat, cook, photograph, explore, enjoy...so why am I feeling so anxious? Gah. Hopefully this is just a phase.

Other than that, things are pretty damn good. My first program is on Saturday (watching the USA v. England game!), so I have to put that together but I'm really excited about it. And, a week from Thursday, my mom and brother will be up in Berkeley, and I'm so excited to see them! It's been too long and I really miss spending time with them. I'm excited that it's FINALLY summer and that I can take the time to really take care of and nurture myself. It's time for me to stop looking back at this past year, as amazing as it was, and start applying more time to thinking about not only the future, but the present as well. Life is good, and it's time to enjoy it!

honestly...

In writing a personal lifestyle blog such as this, there's a thin line between honesty and talking too much; I want to convey my experiences as a college student as honestly as possible, but I'm afraid of putting too much of myself out into the world, especially considering that this is a TOTALLY open blog that anyone in the world has access to. Anyone! A scary thought, that anyone anywhere could be reading about my life...then again, I started this blog knowing that risk. Anyways... honesty. It's sometimes hard to be completely honest, because eventually someone would read something and get hurt, or I'd say something that someone could use against me. I have had far too many friends that have lost jobs or employment opportunities due to things they've said on blogs/twitter/facebook (though really, WHY they said some of the things they did is beyond me). In any case, it would suck. Then again, why do I bother writing a blog if I can't be completely honest about my college experience? It's not all rainbows and sunshine, not every person I've met has been amazing, not all of my classes/professors are perfect (despite that I'm at one of the best schools in the country), life isn't always perfect, etc. It's a conundrum, and I'm honestly still debating what to do about it.

In any case, tonight's the night--tomorrow I finish my first semester at Cal. I have to finish writing my advertising paper and continue studying for Media Studies...so. close. !!!! I was feeling pretty down earlier, but talking to my family and my best friend on the phone definitely gave me the motivation I needed to just get it done. Tomorrow's going to be a long day, but after it's over...that's it, my first semester at Berkeley will be totally over. I'm excited, but nervous! Expect a recap post once I get home. Wednesday I'll be packing all day (since I need to pack for LA, Israel, and NYC!) and then Thursday I will be flying home! I could not BE more excited.

One more crazy scholarly night, and I'm free until the 19th of January. I can do it!

P.S. - Could I have possibly used the word "honestly" anymore?! Honestly!

First all-nighter? CHECK.
Best part? I'm STILL not done with my paper. No worries, it'll be ready by 11:00am, when it's due...whether I'll be capable of getting it to class, that's a whole other story.
Also? I have another paper due Friday, that I've worked on but isn't done yet. AWESOME.


Yay college!!