lost in my mind.

As I delve deeper and deeper into my thesis (and the end of my college career!) I've come to find that blogging has become a fond memory. As much I want to keep you all updated with my witty stories and charming photographs (modest much?), I just don't have the time or the energy to keep up. Talking to one of my roommates today, we realized that we only have three weeks of class left...what the hell?! There's also Dead Week and Finals, but I'll essentially be done in three weeks and that's the most terrifying thing I've ever heard.

In any case, I'm currently sitting at FSM, attempting to force myself to focus and work on my thesis. Considering I'm currently updating my blog, I'd say I'm not being as successful as I should be at getting what I actually need to do done. Oops. As interesting as sharing, image management, and privacy are, especially in the context of the Internet, I'm ready to move on with my life. Never have I ever spent so much time engaged with one particular topic...and hey, it's been great, but come May 5 it's over, time to break up. I've also got a nasty little cold to deal with at the moment, as well as a paper for my Visual Communications class and a paper for my Race and Film class. Luckily the last two are on films of my choosing so at least they'll be interesting to research and write about, but I've never been so ready for a semester to be over.

Read the last sentence of the previous two paragraphs and notice how they contradict one another: terrified, yet ready to move on. That's pretty much my exact state of mind right now.

Enough procrastinating...back to the thesis. But, as reward for reading my barely coherent ramblings, here's some new music from The Head and the Heart! Since hearing them open for Stornoway in December, they've quickly become one of my favorite bands. I'm excited to go see them play in a couple of weeks with Katie and Sierra, an excellent way to spend one of the last nights of my senior year!

waiting on the world to change.

First of all, I'm planning on renaming my blog, so suggestions are more than welcome :) In fact, they're kind of necessary, so shoot me an email!

In other news...this semester is intense. And by intense, I mean it's the second week of classes and I need to have three books read by next week, as well as two short stories, two court decisions, and three articles. I also need to finish a cover letter, go over my resume, write the appeal to get into my major, and finish applying to scholarships. What the hell!? Not cool. Regardless, tomorrow I'm going to spend the day in San Francisco with one of my best friends from high school...I know that school-wise it isn't the best choice, but it's what I need, mental health-wise. For the most part I've been doing really well but I can feel some of my old insecurities and bad habits sneaking up on me and it's not good. Hopefully tomorrow will provide enough distraction/amusement/adventure/happiness to diffuse all the weird stuff going on with me. Not that things are going badly--honestly, things have never been better--but I'm just having to face some things that I've been avoiding dealing with. In any case, things are bound to look up...they have to. I'm really homesick as well; I love Berkeley and all (and I am so, SO happy here, especially with my new Birthright friends who I have bonded with more than I would have ever expected), but I haven't seen my family since December and it's been a really intense month and I just want to go home. Twelve days and I will be back in my bed, in my city surrounded by all of the people I love.

a juxtaposition of thoughts

Do you ever get that feeling that things are going too well, that everything is too good to be true? I've been feeling that way a lot lately, just waiting for everything to fall apart...not a good feeling, to be dreading everything going wrong! I hate that I think like that. I have everything I have ever wanted: my dream school, living on my own, amazing friends back home and up here, someone waiting for me back home, finally getting closure on something I had always wondered about, eating healthy, walking everywhere, taking care of myself, etc etc etc. I have everything I could ever want and I'm ecstatic; at the same time, I find myself waiting for that plot twist, the "dun dun dun!" moment of doom that everyone goes through, because perfection is unreal, inhuman. I mean, I wouldn't say life is perfect...I have two papers to write, an additional two response papers, and a ton of reading, for starters, all of which is majorly stressing me out. Or there's the fact that the one person I've actually developed feelings for in the past two years is back home, or the underlying pressure of knowing that I cannot fail, that I have to succeed up here. Yet all of those problems sort of fade away when I see how ridiculously happy I am, happy to be at Berkeley, happy to have someone at all, happy (even ecstatic) to actually go somewhere that challenges me. I'm sure you can see the weird sort of balance going on in my brain, trying to create a sort of ultimate pro-con list of good vs evil~ in my life, and obviously the good is winning, but I just have the feeling the evil is getting ready to plan a secret attack that the good isn't expecting...but I'll be ready, I am ready, and I will make sure the good prevails, because it simply has to.

"There was no point in worrying yet.... what would come, would come... and he would have to meet it when it did." ~J.K. Rowling, "The Beginning," Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, 2000