Sunday, September 20, 2009

a juxtaposition of thoughts

Do you ever get that feeling that things are going too well, that everything is too good to be true? I've been feeling that way a lot lately, just waiting for everything to fall apart...not a good feeling, to be dreading everything going wrong! I hate that I think like that. I have everything I have ever wanted: my dream school, living on my own, amazing friends back home and up here, someone waiting for me back home, finally getting closure on something I had always wondered about, eating healthy, walking everywhere, taking care of myself, etc etc etc. I have everything I could ever want and I'm ecstatic; at the same time, I find myself waiting for that plot twist, the "dun dun dun!" moment of doom that everyone goes through, because perfection is unreal, inhuman. I mean, I wouldn't say life is perfect...I have two papers to write, an additional two response papers, and a ton of reading, for starters, all of which is majorly stressing me out. Or there's the fact that the one person I've actually developed feelings for in the past two years is back home, or the underlying pressure of knowing that I cannot fail, that I have to succeed up here. Yet all of those problems sort of fade away when I see how ridiculously happy I am, happy to be at Berkeley, happy to have someone at all, happy (even ecstatic) to actually go somewhere that challenges me. I'm sure you can see the weird sort of balance going on in my brain, trying to create a sort of ultimate pro-con list of good vs evil~ in my life, and obviously the good is winning, but I just have the feeling the evil is getting ready to plan a secret attack that the good isn't expecting...but I'll be ready, I am ready, and I will make sure the good prevails, because it simply has to.

"There was no point in worrying yet.... what would come, would come... and he would have to meet it when it did." ~J.K. Rowling, "The Beginning," Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, 2000

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