a day in the life.

december 5, 2010.


wake up late, it's a lazy sunday.


sleepyhead.


weather.


november playlist.


cloudy day in berkeley.


run into the lovely director of caltv cinematography, myles.


i find my friends by the BART station!


we go to the sunnyside cafe, one of the best breakfast places in berkeley.


PANCAKES. so effing good.


johnny shows up, "i'm still drunk!"


we stay there for about four hours, just talking and catching up and attempting to avoid the rain. i start to play with my food.


we go next door for cinnamon rolls, i'm too full but chin & johnny share this blueberry pie cinnamon roll.


it starts POURING on the way home.


get home, get in bed, and start reading on my kindle.


then, i get stuff out to make latkes.


they turn out AMAZING, my mom's recipe is flawless.


i light the hanukiah with my friend hillary, in cal colors of course.


afterwards, i go to see "love & other drugs" with katie, johnny, & doug. the theater is empty for the most part, though a few people shuffle in at the last minute.


laughter ♥

****

Life is good. Currently in the midst of finals but they're almost over and then I'll be back in Los Angeles for about a month! I can't wait. This semester has been the most difficult of my life--two jobs, school full-time, plenty of drama, important life decisions/changes, etc., but I made it through. I became a regular at a bar (one of the best decisions I've ever made, seriously, I've met some amazing people there), continued to reign supreme at board games, discovered an unparalleled love of whiskey, went to a lot of concerts (best of which was Band of Horses, where we stood in the very front at the Greek and listened to them under the stars), wrote a million papers, started planning my thesis...I grew up a lot this semester. I finally put the past behind me and really started to focus on the future, whatever that may be. I've got my health, my family, my education and my friends...don't need anything else.

the general specific.

It has been over a month since I've updated; though I could offer a million valid excuses, I'll just hang my head and apologize as sincerely as possible. I've sat down to write several times, but every time I do I'll stare at the empty white space and forget whatever it was that seemed so important to talk about. It's one of the worst cases of writer's block I've ever had, unable to write truth or fiction. My screenplay, written and visualized in my head, has been trapped; my memories and stories all seem trivial, so I push them aside to make room for something else. All of my energy towards writing has been going towards my schoolwork, and even then it's hard figuring out what I want to say. In any case, I hope to return to regular updates, though I doubt that anyone reads this other than myself and my mother.

This past month has been absolutely hectic, wonderful, awful, heartbreaking, eye-opening, amazing, chaotic, and stressful. Making the decision to take a year off once I graduate in May to figure out what I want to do with my life was one of the best, at least so far; it's one less thing to worry about right now, and with everything I've got going on--three upper-division classes, one class that I'm teaching with my friend, two jobs, clubs, and friends--one less thing to worry about is the best feeling in the world. I don't have much time to dedicate to studying for a standardized exam or working on applications, and so to not have to worry about that right now is definitely a relief. However, I'm definitely being a lot harder on myself in terms of academics; my goal is a 4.0 and I'm working with my advisor to write my honors thesis in the spring. I'm currently studying suburban families in contemporary American sitcoms for my research methods class and currently working on a content analysis, and writing a paper on gender roles in The Godfather for my Gender & Media class. As busy as I am, I love absolutely everything I'm learning and I'm trying to soak in as much as possible while I'm still at Cal.

There's also a summer internship at the Berkman Center for Internet & Society at Harvard that I am DYING to apply for; though my first love will always be screenwriting, I'd definitely argue that my interest is in the internet and the way people utilize it is no passing fancy. It's something that has always intrigued me, and something that still remains a vastly unexplored field, meaning that there's definitely a lot of groundbreaking research to be done. It's something that affects me personally, as well as something that affects absolutely everyone I know...what could be more interesting?! In any case, it's an idea of a possible career path and hopefully applying for and getting an internship would allow me to see if it's something I'd want to pursue more.

My job as an Apartment Assistant is good. I can't go into specifics, due to confidentiality and respect for my residents and my staff, but I can say that although it's a hell of a lot more demanding than I ever imagined, it's also a lot more rewarding that I thought possible. It's crazy but I love it, and I'm really glad I get the opportunity to do this job.

Life is pretty good. Sarah came up last weekend and we saw Band of Horses perform at the Greek in Berkeley! Definitely one of the best concerts I've ever seen; we were in the front row and it was absolutely perfect. Despite being so busy that I had to miss Hardly Strictly Bluegrass in order to try and get some work done, last night I went to go see Going the Distance and The Social Network. Both were excellent, and despite being able to clearly relate them to points I'm learning in class it was a nice mental break. Now it's time to buckle down and work, especially since my 21st birthday is on Monday!

all the small things.

I was all set to write a huge post yesterday looking back, but of course it was the one day this week that I wasn't home at ALL. It was one of the best days I've had at Berkeley--class, a waterfight on Memorial Glade with CalTV people, talking to a professor about a paper I'm excited to write (on Harold and Maude!), Cheeseboard, gelato, and the movies! I was exhausted (I was out from 8am-10pm) but it was so worth it.

This morning, I woke up and had an unexpected email in my inbox.

***

LOVE! from self :D

Dear FutureMe,

april 23, 2009. the night before i find out about ucla, the night before my life changes. a week before i find out about berkeley, my dream school.

right now, it's 5:11 on a thursday afternoon. i locked my keys in my car today, and my friend (preny, from scholars, remember her?) had to drive me home to get my spare and then take me back to school. i have a russian history and a spanish midterm tomorrow, and i'm freaking out. and ucla starts to announce tomorrow...and berkeley next week... god, i really hope i end up going to berkeley, it's all i've ever wanted.

a year from now, i don't know where i'll be...but hopefully happy and satisfied with life. wherever i end up...remember that i'm good and smart and kind and there's so much more to life than school.

i'm single right now, perhaps i won't be a year from now. that's weird to think about, but who knows?

remember,
things happen for a reason, even if it takes time to figure it out. i never wanted to go to gcc but i did and it was the best decision of my life.

love yourself!

love,
yourself ;)

***

There's this website, called FutureMe.org, where you can write an email to yourself and have it sent to your inbox a year or more from now. I had totally forgotten that I had ever even heard of this site, until I got the email this morning.

It's funny to read. I remember how nervous I was, how I couldn't eat or sleep or study. I started my blog! And the first entry was about how nervous I was about waiting for UCLA to announce their results. I got into UCLA, and was ecstatic; finally, things seemed to be going my way. The week waiting for Berkeley to announce was the longest, most excruciating week of my life, especially because I knew the day and the time they were going to post. That day, I was a mess. I remember I went to the doctor's that day, and that was the only thing that really distracted me. I remember coming home, grabbing my laptop, and going to the living room. "Mom," I said, "it's time. And I really don't want to look." My mother reminded me that I had to check, and no matter if I had gotten into Cal or not, I had made her the proudest mother in the world. There was the frantic turning on of the computer, fumbling over the keyboard as I typed in the all-too familiar website with the information that would change my life. I remember reading the word "Congratulations" and not being able to breathe and starting to cry, despite myself. I had gotten into my dream school, I had done it, and every hardship that I went through to get there had been validated in an instant.

It's been a year, and I can definitely say that I'm happier than I've ever been, as well as satisfied with my life. It's a year later, and I just signed up for an LSAT class and I'm getting ready for life post-college. It's so weird to think that it's only been a year since coming to Berkeley, it honestly feels like a lifetime. I still think I'm a good person (though let's be honest, I'm biased), and I'm pretty smart, and yes, there IS so much more to life than school! Something I have to remind myself frequently, but it's an undeniable truth.

As far as being single, yeah, still am. But within this past year I was in my first serious relationship, and I fell head over heels. We were together for a large part of that year, but it's over now. That's still weird to think about, but I grew up so much and am a better person for everything I went through. Funny how I would have never predicted it, though...funny how life works sometimes.

Things really do happen for a reason, that's something I've always believed. Everything comes together and falls into place and it's that thought that gets me through the hard days and sleepless nights. Everything will be okay in the end, and I'm a better person for not always having it easy (though again, I've got to say I've got some of the most amazing things going on in my life and as "stressful" as my life is, I'm really lucky to be in school studying something I love). I've gone through a lot, but that's the point--I've gotten through it, and I'm okay.

Love yourself--trust me, I'm trying. It's a lifelong process, but I'm learning.

I'd definitely suggest sending yourself an email, see how much things change for you in a year. It's a good feeling to look back, and to see how much you've grown. It put a smile on my face and it's going to make enjoying this lovely day in the northern California sunshine that much better.

Happy birthday, blog! And congratulations on a good year, self, here's to many, many more. Cheers!

feeling the pull.

Growing up is hard. Moving away is hard. Trying to maintain relationships, with friends, family, and significant others, over 400 miles of distance, is ridiculously hard. There are days in which I question my decision to go to Berkeley; not in that it was difficult to choose to go there, but because I knew I'd make things harder on myself; debt-wise, life-wise. Though my family remains as amazing as ever, and my friends and I have never been closer, it doesn't make it any easier when I'm up there all alone. They're there--by phone, email, and Skype--but at the same time, sometimes I just need a hug, or someone to sit with me. I gave that up when I made the choice to go to Cal. This past week, ending a relationship that I truly thought would last a hell of a lot longer than eight months, I was reminded of what a precarious situation I had placed myself in by leaving, risking losing everything I'd ever loved. I'm aware of how melodramatic that sounds, but it's really difficult to maintain relationships and friendships with massive distance between you. I work everyday to make sure I don't lose them, putting in an extra effort I wouldn't have to make if I was actually present.

At the same time, by going to Berkeley and leaving my comfort zone, I've grown up more than I realized was possible. Going to UCLA would have been the easy choice for me, taking on less debt, living at home, staying in the same city as my best friends and not having to start over. I would get to go to my favorite hangouts and have new adventures with old friends...I would be content. But it wouldn't have pushed me to meet new people, to adapt to difficult situations, to learn to stand on my own two feet. In my heart, I know I made the best choice for me, even though it wasn't the easiest.

I try to live life without regrets, always telling people the truth and making sure they know I care. Putting myself out there usually ends with me getting hurt, but I sleep soundly at night knowing that I said what I was feeling. Also, life is too short to keep some things in, because what if something happens to the person you wanted to say something to? Just go for it, you have nothing to lose. In terms of the last eight months, I have no regrets about anything; it was the happiest I'd been in a really long time. When I decided to move to Berkeley, my whole world turned around. On the way there, I found someone that understood my quirks and thought all the better of me for it. He was someone who I just fit with, who just made sense. The only thing off was he just happened to be staying the very place I was leaving behind. Although it worked for awhile, it wasn't a fair situation for anyone and now it's over.

I chose Berkeley, and although it wasn't the easiest choice, I have to keep reminding myself that it was, and is, the best thing I could have done for myself.

baby you're my light.

beating up my workload, one assignment at a time!

Long time no update! Things have been kind of insane, between midterms, flying home for President's Day weekend (and conveniently, Valentine's Day ♥), coming back to school, and prepping for even more midterms and papers. Overall though, life has been exceptional over the last few days, despite a minor freak out at the beginning of the week. I was informed last week that I had been selected to work as an Apartment Assistant (the equivalent of an RA for the apartments I currently live in) for next year, and I was ecstatic to get the job! I also did amazing on my first test in my First Amendment class, got a ticket to see Bill Clinton speak at Berkeley next week (and there were only 1,200 student tickets available and the server was crashing ALL MORNING), saw Shutter Island, had AMAZING pizza at Cheeseboard (it was Roma tomatoes, onions, mozzarella and French goat cheese, garlic olive oil, and Italian parsley; definitely one of the best pizzas I've ever had in my life), and more. I always get sort of nervous when things start to go too well, but after falling down half a flight of stairs today I think it's all balanced out (even if I'm not, haha).

(in case you weren't hungry already, here's a picture of the pizza I devoured)

Today I took at practice LSAT and did...eh, well considering I went in totally cold and was TOTALLY unprepared, I did okay. I think that if I work really hard I'll have a decent shot of getting into a somewhat reputable law school...maybe. I'm still deciding if that's what I really want to do. I really want to take a year off after I graduate, but part of me wants to keep the momentum going and go straight to law school/grad school/film school/wherever. I don't know what I want yet! And as much as I want to say that I have time to decide, realistically, I don't. It's stressing me out, but I'm trying not to worry too much right now.

waiting on the world to change.

First of all, I'm planning on renaming my blog, so suggestions are more than welcome :) In fact, they're kind of necessary, so shoot me an email!

In other news...this semester is intense. And by intense, I mean it's the second week of classes and I need to have three books read by next week, as well as two short stories, two court decisions, and three articles. I also need to finish a cover letter, go over my resume, write the appeal to get into my major, and finish applying to scholarships. What the hell!? Not cool. Regardless, tomorrow I'm going to spend the day in San Francisco with one of my best friends from high school...I know that school-wise it isn't the best choice, but it's what I need, mental health-wise. For the most part I've been doing really well but I can feel some of my old insecurities and bad habits sneaking up on me and it's not good. Hopefully tomorrow will provide enough distraction/amusement/adventure/happiness to diffuse all the weird stuff going on with me. Not that things are going badly--honestly, things have never been better--but I'm just having to face some things that I've been avoiding dealing with. In any case, things are bound to look up...they have to. I'm really homesick as well; I love Berkeley and all (and I am so, SO happy here, especially with my new Birthright friends who I have bonded with more than I would have ever expected), but I haven't seen my family since December and it's been a really intense month and I just want to go home. Twelve days and I will be back in my bed, in my city surrounded by all of the people I love.

feeling this.

Upon realizing I hadn't made any school related posts lately, I decided it was time for one! School is going well, I think. I absolutely adore my Mass Media and Advertising in America classes, and although they're really difficult, I truly feel as though I'm learning a lot. Mass Media is fascinating, and it's interesting to actually study the evolution of media and how it affects society. Advertising is ridiculously hard, but to see how not only society shapes ads but ads shape society...it's pretty intense. My Gender in America class (which I changed to Pass/No Pass because I felt that I bombed the midterm...only to get an A, ugh) is pretty boring; I guess it could be interesting, but the way the information is presented my attention is quickly diverted elsewhere. My Digital Photography decal is fairly interesting, and I'm enjoying learning to play around with the different features on my camera. I'm planning a photo post soon, so look out for that!

What I'm going to do with all this knowledge I'm not quite sure, but hopefully I'll figure it out soon. I kind of want to start looking into the LSATs and seeing if that's going to be something I want to do; if not, start looking at either grad school for Mass Comm (for which I'd have to take the GRE ugh) or film school. Publishing also interests me, as I've always been an excellent editor. I'm not sure which direction I want to go in, but I have time to figure it out...well, a little bit of time. Is it bad I also want to take a year off to live abroad (hopefully in Spain)? And that I kind of want to move back to Los Angeles a little bit? I don't know. These are the things I have in the back of my mind, all the time. It's stressful!

At least I don't have to worry about the future right now...I'm too busy dealing with the present. Last week I went to talk to my GSI (graduate student instructor) about the ad analysis I was writing and afterwards, we were talking and he commented that I seem to have assimilated fairly quickly and easily for a transfer student. I hadn't thought about it, but I suppose it's true...as soon as I got here, I jumped in and got a job (at Berkeley Hillel), joined Apartment Association and CalTV. Schoolwise, I've always been pretty focused, so that hasn't been as much of a problem, though it's a lot more painful to procrastinate here than it was at GCC. I am having a little bit more trouble when it comes to meeting people, but even then, I am slowly building friendships. It took me awhile, but I've come to the realization that the reason my friendships back home are so amazing is because they've developed over a number of years; I can't expect the same connection up here when I've only been here a few months! In any case, I am making friends and meeting all sorts of different people and it's lovely. I've gotten homesick (especially with my family, best friends, and boy all at home) a few times, but I know that coming here was the best thing I could ever do, and that this time apart from all of them just makes me value them more. I have friends who have gone home three, four times already, and honestly, I think that just makes things harder. To truly feel at home here you've got to make a conscious effort to make it your home, and stop thinking about what you left behind. That's not to say I'm never coming back--are you kidding, I love Los Angeles!--but instead of crying over what I left behind I'm going to enjoy all the new things Berkeley has to offer that LA does not. And if I want to go back when I'm done with school I can, and I will!

In any case, things are going well, I'm doing well, and I'm fairly content. Thanksgiving is in eleven days and I can't wait to see everyone I love! Life is too good sometimes, and I definitely feel like the luckiest girl in the world.