all the small things.

I was all set to write a huge post yesterday looking back, but of course it was the one day this week that I wasn't home at ALL. It was one of the best days I've had at Berkeley--class, a waterfight on Memorial Glade with CalTV people, talking to a professor about a paper I'm excited to write (on Harold and Maude!), Cheeseboard, gelato, and the movies! I was exhausted (I was out from 8am-10pm) but it was so worth it.

This morning, I woke up and had an unexpected email in my inbox.

***

LOVE! from self :D

Dear FutureMe,

april 23, 2009. the night before i find out about ucla, the night before my life changes. a week before i find out about berkeley, my dream school.

right now, it's 5:11 on a thursday afternoon. i locked my keys in my car today, and my friend (preny, from scholars, remember her?) had to drive me home to get my spare and then take me back to school. i have a russian history and a spanish midterm tomorrow, and i'm freaking out. and ucla starts to announce tomorrow...and berkeley next week... god, i really hope i end up going to berkeley, it's all i've ever wanted.

a year from now, i don't know where i'll be...but hopefully happy and satisfied with life. wherever i end up...remember that i'm good and smart and kind and there's so much more to life than school.

i'm single right now, perhaps i won't be a year from now. that's weird to think about, but who knows?

remember,
things happen for a reason, even if it takes time to figure it out. i never wanted to go to gcc but i did and it was the best decision of my life.

love yourself!

love,
yourself ;)

***

There's this website, called FutureMe.org, where you can write an email to yourself and have it sent to your inbox a year or more from now. I had totally forgotten that I had ever even heard of this site, until I got the email this morning.

It's funny to read. I remember how nervous I was, how I couldn't eat or sleep or study. I started my blog! And the first entry was about how nervous I was about waiting for UCLA to announce their results. I got into UCLA, and was ecstatic; finally, things seemed to be going my way. The week waiting for Berkeley to announce was the longest, most excruciating week of my life, especially because I knew the day and the time they were going to post. That day, I was a mess. I remember I went to the doctor's that day, and that was the only thing that really distracted me. I remember coming home, grabbing my laptop, and going to the living room. "Mom," I said, "it's time. And I really don't want to look." My mother reminded me that I had to check, and no matter if I had gotten into Cal or not, I had made her the proudest mother in the world. There was the frantic turning on of the computer, fumbling over the keyboard as I typed in the all-too familiar website with the information that would change my life. I remember reading the word "Congratulations" and not being able to breathe and starting to cry, despite myself. I had gotten into my dream school, I had done it, and every hardship that I went through to get there had been validated in an instant.

It's been a year, and I can definitely say that I'm happier than I've ever been, as well as satisfied with my life. It's a year later, and I just signed up for an LSAT class and I'm getting ready for life post-college. It's so weird to think that it's only been a year since coming to Berkeley, it honestly feels like a lifetime. I still think I'm a good person (though let's be honest, I'm biased), and I'm pretty smart, and yes, there IS so much more to life than school! Something I have to remind myself frequently, but it's an undeniable truth.

As far as being single, yeah, still am. But within this past year I was in my first serious relationship, and I fell head over heels. We were together for a large part of that year, but it's over now. That's still weird to think about, but I grew up so much and am a better person for everything I went through. Funny how I would have never predicted it, though...funny how life works sometimes.

Things really do happen for a reason, that's something I've always believed. Everything comes together and falls into place and it's that thought that gets me through the hard days and sleepless nights. Everything will be okay in the end, and I'm a better person for not always having it easy (though again, I've got to say I've got some of the most amazing things going on in my life and as "stressful" as my life is, I'm really lucky to be in school studying something I love). I've gone through a lot, but that's the point--I've gotten through it, and I'm okay.

Love yourself--trust me, I'm trying. It's a lifelong process, but I'm learning.

I'd definitely suggest sending yourself an email, see how much things change for you in a year. It's a good feeling to look back, and to see how much you've grown. It put a smile on my face and it's going to make enjoying this lovely day in the northern California sunshine that much better.

Happy birthday, blog! And congratulations on a good year, self, here's to many, many more. Cheers!

best.

Other than my family, I would say that these two ladies probably mean more to me than anyone in the world. We talk at LEAST once a day in some form or another, and if it were not for them I would not be the person I am today. I love them SO MUCH and miss them even more :( I have to wait another month before I see them, hopefully it won't drag on too much.

homesick (I)

i love it up here, i really do. i love the school and my classes and my professors and my apartment and my roommates and my new friends and the weather and everything, but i can't help but miss my family, my best friends, a certain gentleman caller, going to the movies (which is a totally different experience up here, not as comfortable but a hell of a lot cheaper), bourgeois pig, the observatory, walking around burbank at night, my library at home, all of my movies, having a big television, hugs from people who love me, the ability to call and have someone be over within ten minutes, driving (!), all my glendale friends (the ones i had left at the end of the year, haha), porto's, in n out within driving distance, someone to geek out about movie trailers with, my mom waking me up, not having to buy my own groceries, my mom's cooking (i do miss it! though i'm enjoying my new accidental vegetarian diet), my little brother poking me, my dad nagging me about having a clean room, living somewhere that was never (ever) messy, talking in marie's car until two in the morning in front of my house, making bracelets + biscuits with sarah, someone to sing along to my 90s playlist with, etc etc etc.

tomorrow i'll have to make a post about everything i love about cal, there's a lot! but tonight i'm feeling homesick, as is natural, so yeah, this is what you get.