anxiety vs excitement

You know that feeling when you're trying to fall asleep and you know something exciting is going to happen the next day, like a trip to Disneyland or your birthday? You're trying so hard to fall asleep, because you so desperately want it to be the next day but your mind is filled with all of the exciting promise that tomorrow holds and you can't sleep. As a child, this is one of the best feelings in the world, because anything and everything is possible.

It's definitely what I'm experiencing right now, as tomorrow UCLA will start to send out admissions notifications. However, I wouldn't say that it's one of the best feelings in the world anymore. I'm a transfer student, so I get the pleasure of not only waiting two years to transfer, but a whole extra month* of waiting to find out where I've been accepted. UCLA isn't my top choice, that would be Berkeley, but it's still one of my top options and something I really want. I've worked ridiculously hard over these two years, and to see my achievements recognized would be wonderful.

The thing is, as you grow up you don't just think of all the exciting things that are going to happen, but all of the bad things that can happen as well. You learn that "anything and everything" isn't always necessarily a good thing.

For example, take Disneyland. As exciting as the idea of a day of fun, friends, Space Mountain, Mickey Mouse, and churros is, I can't help but worry about the traffic, the crowds, and the weather. As a kid, you're oblivious to all of those things, but as you grow, you start to realize they've been there all along. You start to realize if you're one of those people who gets excited or anxious, if the glass is half-full or half-empty.

I realize that admissions are a different story, and something with more at stake than a trip to see Mickey, yet the feeling remains the same. UCLA can say yes, or they can say no, and I'm going to have to deal with the reality of either situation when it arises. I can't help but be excited on the one hand--I've been waiting since I submitted my application at the end of November to find out the results. On the other hand, I'm totally anxious and scared to even think about checking because once I know the results, I'm going to have to deal with them.

UCLA starts to update tomorrow, and I should know by Monday. By April 30, I'll know about Berkeley and UCSD as well. I don't hear back from USC until June 1, so I'm not even going to worry about that. Worst come to worst, I've already been accepted to UC Irvine, UC Davis, and Cal State Northridge, and I'll figure it out from there. In the meantime, I'm going to focus on my classes right now--I have TWO midterms tomorrow, which are currently distracting me from thinking about UCLA and Cal. I guess studying the demise of the Romanov dynasty does that for me. After I finish with the Romanovs and the Bolsheviks I'll study Spanish and then finally go to bed, hoping for that childhood excitement to come back.




*Freshman applicants find out end of March, transfer applicants find out end of April.