blue valentine.

Nothing lasts forever. We're born, we live, and we die. What happens after that, no one knows, and although we have no control over our birth or our death, we certainly have much to do with the quality of our lives while we're living. There's no such thing as "forever," at least in my mind, and that was one of my favorite parts of Blue Valentine--the acknowledgement of the idea that we live and love in the moment, but that's all we can do. We don't know what the future will hold, so how can we control it, or pretend to think that we know what will work 30 years from now? We don't, and we won't. I'm quickly learning that it's all about living in the moment. I know we all have our share of bad days, but it's about trying to see what we don't like and taking it upon ourselves to fix it. It's easy to let the negativity get to us, and much too easy to let it overwhelm us. I'm incredibly guilty of this, but I'm trying to fight back.

Today I was talking to my boss, complaining about the last few days. They'd been pretty shitty, to be honest--thesis-ing is stressful (as much as I love my topic, it's a bit daunting), and add lots of work, root canal recovery, hundreds of pages of complex reading, a 3 hour silent film about white supremacy (watched for a race & film class, mind you) and an unexpected break-up to the mix and you've got all the makings for disaster. "But you know," I said, "life goes on and all that jazz." My boss made a comment about admiring my positive attitude, and it caught me off-guard. Me, positive? When did that happen? The truth of the matter is, I was always a negative kid. It would drive my parents crazy how I would always find *something* to complain about or be upset about. But, reading through my past few blog posts and my own personal journal, I realize that I've made a complete 180 in terms of the way I look at the world. It's been a slow process, but all of the sudden I am finding the best in everything around me. Dumped unexpectedly? It sucks, definitely...BUT, I am super busy with my thesis/last semester of undergrad...and who wants to be tied down when I've got the world ahead of me? There's always a silver lining. It was what it was, and it was lovely while it lasted, but it's over and that's that. Time to move on, focus on my research, my future, and my life. My friend Morgan and I were discussing this over mimosas at La Note and decided that this is going to be known as "Fresh-Start February," a clean slate to start over with. As President Bartlet would say, "What's next?"


Speaking of my thesis, I'm writing it on the Internet, identity, and privacy--why do people post what they post, and how does this determine the image they want to give off to the world? Obviously, I don't have an answer yet, but in terms of myself, I've always found that writing is the most therapeutic way to deal with the world. The reason I post is that I hope that someone will read this and find that my words help them through a similar situation, or that they feel that they have an ally in the world, even if only on the Internet.

inconceivable!

This semester is already turning out to be ridiculous.

As a transfer student who only gets two years at Cal, I definitely wanted to do everything possible to get as much as I could out of my college experience. Not to say I didn't get something out of my community college years--that was an experience in it of itself--but Berkeley was, and is, different. In any case, I immediately got involved in a variety of things, helping me avoid that period of homesickness that a lot of people experience once they move away to school. Though fall semester of 2009 was an adjustment period, it was the foundation for an amazing spring, summer, and fall of 2010. I went through a lot since I've been here--moving away, going somewhere in which I was completely alone with no one I knew around me, living with people I didn't know (and didn't particularly care for, for the most part), attending classes where the expectations and the stakes were tremendously high, my first serious relationship and first intense break-up, my first foray into the world of college partying (ha), meeting tons of new people, learning how to build friendships from the bottom up, learning how to trust people and let them in, growing up, working...it's a lot in a short amount of time.

In any case, the lack of time has led me to push myself more than a lot of people might have. This semester is already turning out to be ridiculously busy; despite the fact that I'm only taking two classes, I'm also writing an honors thesis (!), working as an Apartment Assistant, working as the advisor for the Apartment Association, and working front desk at Hillel. Attempting to maintain any sort of social life while all of this is going on is all sorts of impossible. I had to quit CalTV because I literally have no free time, and seeing my friends has become a fond memory. I'm torn--I don't want to waste my last semester of college in the library, but at the same, I don't want to waste my last semester at Berkeley screwing around, especially because I'm not sure if I'm even going to grad school right now. If this is my last semester in school ever, not only is that a terrifying thought but it's also motivation to push myself ridiculously hard. It's a fine line, and it appears that, at least for the moment, I've chosen academia over socializing. I have made a point to take Wednesday nights off--that's trivia night at the Bear's Lair, where my friends and I have been trivia regulars since last November. It's the highlight of my week, surrounded by friends and the coolest bar staff EVER, but then it's over and I go back to hitting the books. Other than that and the occasional movie/game night, I only get to see my friends when I study or eat with them. It kind of sucks, but hey, what can I do?

I can't believe I'm graduating in a matter of weeks. I can't believe that on May 5, I'll have completed a thesis (on the internet, identity, and privacy...it's going to be AWESOME). I'm currently job hunting, and although I'd love to stay in the Bay Area, I might be moving back to LA. I'm in shock, honestly.

Also, this is tangental but I can't believe I'm having an emergency root canal today, haha. I don't have time for this!

Ridiculous.

january hymn.

Dear 2011,

I know we've only just met, but I've got a few things to say to you. I knew you were coming--who didn't?--and i'd like to say I was ready and prepared to meet you. To be honest, I was scared of you. I know that with your appearance would come an overwhelming number of changes in my life, many of which I'd like to think I will meet head-on. I will be graduating from Berkeley (!) in May and moving on into the real world. I'll be looking for jobs and thinking about applying to graduate school--I'll have to grow up. In that sense, I was dreading meeting you, because it would mean the end of an era.

But you, you had some tricks up your sleeve. Though it's only the 20th, so much has happened! Something clicked, and I cannot even try to explain what it was but all of the sudden I was no longer scared of what you had to offer. I was all of the sudden excited, and for the first time in my life, really appreciative of trying to enjoy every moment possible. I've made a point of writing at least a couple of sentences about my day every day (or more, if I've got the time) and it's one of the best decisions I've made. Last semester, I realized I needed to think more positively and try to find the silver lining. Now, it's time to enjoy the little things--the sunshine on my face, a smile shared by friends, a recipe gone inexplicably well, a memory that makes me laugh, a glass of wine after a long day--the details are what matters now.

This year has been off to such a good start. It hasn't been easy as you've already provided a plethora of difficult situations, but I've made it through smiling. Here's to the start of an excellent friendship.

Love,
Andrea

fuel up.

For me, there's no better feeling than that of writing in a brand new Moleskine planner, in which the metaphor of starting the year on a new page comes to life. Ridiculously cheesy, I know, but I've always liked the idea of starting anew, and there's no better way to do that than with a new planner for a new year!

This past year was a hard one, with some of the highest and lowest points thus far. 2011 is a big year--graduating college, figuring out what to do post-college, possibly (unfortunately) leaving Berkeley, maybe moving back to Los Angeles, adjusting to possibly moving back home for a bit, etc. There's a lot I'm looking forward to, and a lot I'm dreading, but I'm certain that this will be a year to remember, and if I have anything to do with it, there's going to be a hell of a lot more good memories than bad ones.

I have a feeling that 2011 is going to be a good one, full of love, music, memories, papers, introspection, family, transition, sunshine, adventures, good food, friends, research, kindness, happiness, and change.

Happy New Year, readers!



so fuel up your mind and fire up your heart and drive on
drive on, drive on...
and when your days are darker put your foot down harder,
drive on, drive on.

tangled up in blue.

I needed to do something fun, something different, something to remind to stop taking everything so seriously all the time.

I mean...why not?

home sweet home.

I made a pizza with my mom! Sun-dried tomato pesto, olives, artichoke hearts, goat cheese, parmesan, and fresh basil! We also made the dough from scratch...one of the best pizzas I've ever made/eaten.

Break has been good so far, except that I've been sick the entire time. I think my body doesn't understand this whole "relaxation" concept. I've watched a ridiculous amount of movies--Inception, The Wizard of Oz, Beauty and the Beast, Black Swan, part of Zombieland and now Ponyo. Even though I haven't gone out all that much, it's nice to be home.

a day in the life.

december 5, 2010.


wake up late, it's a lazy sunday.


sleepyhead.


weather.


november playlist.


cloudy day in berkeley.


run into the lovely director of caltv cinematography, myles.


i find my friends by the BART station!


we go to the sunnyside cafe, one of the best breakfast places in berkeley.


PANCAKES. so effing good.


johnny shows up, "i'm still drunk!"


we stay there for about four hours, just talking and catching up and attempting to avoid the rain. i start to play with my food.


we go next door for cinnamon rolls, i'm too full but chin & johnny share this blueberry pie cinnamon roll.


it starts POURING on the way home.


get home, get in bed, and start reading on my kindle.


then, i get stuff out to make latkes.


they turn out AMAZING, my mom's recipe is flawless.


i light the hanukiah with my friend hillary, in cal colors of course.


afterwards, i go to see "love & other drugs" with katie, johnny, & doug. the theater is empty for the most part, though a few people shuffle in at the last minute.


laughter ♥

****

Life is good. Currently in the midst of finals but they're almost over and then I'll be back in Los Angeles for about a month! I can't wait. This semester has been the most difficult of my life--two jobs, school full-time, plenty of drama, important life decisions/changes, etc., but I made it through. I became a regular at a bar (one of the best decisions I've ever made, seriously, I've met some amazing people there), continued to reign supreme at board games, discovered an unparalleled love of whiskey, went to a lot of concerts (best of which was Band of Horses, where we stood in the very front at the Greek and listened to them under the stars), wrote a million papers, started planning my thesis...I grew up a lot this semester. I finally put the past behind me and really started to focus on the future, whatever that may be. I've got my health, my family, my education and my friends...don't need anything else.