tangled up in blue.

I needed to do something fun, something different, something to remind to stop taking everything so seriously all the time.

I mean...why not?

home sweet home.

I made a pizza with my mom! Sun-dried tomato pesto, olives, artichoke hearts, goat cheese, parmesan, and fresh basil! We also made the dough from scratch...one of the best pizzas I've ever made/eaten.

Break has been good so far, except that I've been sick the entire time. I think my body doesn't understand this whole "relaxation" concept. I've watched a ridiculous amount of movies--Inception, The Wizard of Oz, Beauty and the Beast, Black Swan, part of Zombieland and now Ponyo. Even though I haven't gone out all that much, it's nice to be home.

a day in the life.

december 5, 2010.


wake up late, it's a lazy sunday.


sleepyhead.


weather.


november playlist.


cloudy day in berkeley.


run into the lovely director of caltv cinematography, myles.


i find my friends by the BART station!


we go to the sunnyside cafe, one of the best breakfast places in berkeley.


PANCAKES. so effing good.


johnny shows up, "i'm still drunk!"


we stay there for about four hours, just talking and catching up and attempting to avoid the rain. i start to play with my food.


we go next door for cinnamon rolls, i'm too full but chin & johnny share this blueberry pie cinnamon roll.


it starts POURING on the way home.


get home, get in bed, and start reading on my kindle.


then, i get stuff out to make latkes.


they turn out AMAZING, my mom's recipe is flawless.


i light the hanukiah with my friend hillary, in cal colors of course.


afterwards, i go to see "love & other drugs" with katie, johnny, & doug. the theater is empty for the most part, though a few people shuffle in at the last minute.


laughter ♥

****

Life is good. Currently in the midst of finals but they're almost over and then I'll be back in Los Angeles for about a month! I can't wait. This semester has been the most difficult of my life--two jobs, school full-time, plenty of drama, important life decisions/changes, etc., but I made it through. I became a regular at a bar (one of the best decisions I've ever made, seriously, I've met some amazing people there), continued to reign supreme at board games, discovered an unparalleled love of whiskey, went to a lot of concerts (best of which was Band of Horses, where we stood in the very front at the Greek and listened to them under the stars), wrote a million papers, started planning my thesis...I grew up a lot this semester. I finally put the past behind me and really started to focus on the future, whatever that may be. I've got my health, my family, my education and my friends...don't need anything else.

the good that won't come out.

Today I woke up late and got to work 30 minutes after I was supposed to. Work was okay, and despite an unusual number of phone calls to the front desk I was able to get a lot of homework done. As soon as I got off, I ran to interview an informant for a paper on suburban families. She was late so I began to worry; however, she finally showed up and the interview went extraordinarily well. Afterward, I finally had the chance to go home for a minute and just sit. I took a quick shower and then went to go take one of my best friends from community college out for a birthday dinner. It's a unique experience, what we went through, and it helped to create a bond that I'm pretty sure will be there forever. In any case, it was SO good seeing her and another friend from our CC and eating Cheeseboard--the pizza today was roasted leeks with sweet chard, fontina and mozzarella cheeses, citrus zest and garlic olive oil, in case you were wondering. After an absolutely hectic week, it was exactly what I needed--especially considering how crazy busy this weekend is going to be. It's hard to find people you can be completely at ease with, in which you can be yourself without any limits and not worry about being judged.

Afterward, I went home and watched an episode of Mad Men, and once I was done I realized I was completely alone--neither of my roommates were home, and all of a sudden I was left alone with my thoughts. I was completely overwhelmed; I've been so frustrated all week but so busy that I didn't even have time to process or deal with how upset I was. The second I cleared my mind of papers, work and stress in an attempt to relax, the negativity seeped in. Everything that I had pushed back came rushing forward, and it was everything I could do to not burst out in tears. It's unnecessary to detail all of what I was thinking about, but I quickly realized that a lot of it was, for lack of a better term, petty bullshit. That's when I made a decision.

I'm done with letting the little things get me down. I'm done with having any sort of negative personalities around me. I'm done with playing stupid games and I'm done wasting my time on people who aren't worth it. I am at Berkeley, at my dream school, and I've only got a month left in this semester and then one more before I graduate and enter the real world. I worked so hard--harder than most people realize--to get where I am today and I'm not going to waste a single second of it worrying about stupid things that I cannot change. I'm a junior transfer and on top of going to school full-time I have two part-time jobs. Quite frankly, I'm too busy to waste time letting bullshit get to me; if I'm not getting something out of what I'm spending my time on, I'm cutting it out of my life.

I'm going to do my best and work my hardest and that's all I can do. I'm going to write the best papers I can and if I don't get an A, then fuck it, whatever! Life is too short to worry about grades that won't matter ten years down the line and life is too short to spend it crying about past regrets. No one knows how long they have to live, so I'm not going to throw away a single second. I'm going to work hard and play harder, because I know that I'll only be young for so long and I don't want to waste my best years. I'm going to enjoy every moment of every day and take every chance that comes my way because I don't want to look back and regret anything. Though I'm looking ahead, I'm done attempting to have a set plan, because let's face it, that's not how life works. I'm going to go with the flow and just live.

Maude said it best, "*Reach* out. Take a *chance*. Get *hurt* even. But play as well as you can. Go team, go! Give me an L. Give me an I. Give me a V. Give me an E. L-I-V-E. LIVE!"

That's exactly what I'm going to do.

feel the tide.

Don't mistake coincidence for fate.--Mr. Eko, LOST

But, Mr. Eko, how can you tell the difference? I can't tell anymore.

***

Last Wednesday I went with my friend Katie (of the excellent music blog Red Said) and a couple of other girls to see Mumford & Sons play at the Warfield in San Francisco. It was an amazing show, beginning with the ridiculous(ly talented) King Charles and Mt. Desolation as the opening acts. I'd like to use this opportunity to propose to the bassist of Mt. Desolation as he is the finest man I've ever laid eyes on, but I doubt he'd ever read my blog. Mr. John-William Scott...the offer stands. Anyways, M&S were amazing, as expected, and it was such a fun show. Every song hits an emotional chord with me (honestly, I'd like to think that "Little Lion Man" was secretly written by a certain ex with me in mind, but hey, that's probably not the case) but I've got to say that "Feel The Tide" was the one song that really hit close to home. I haven't been able to stop listening to it since.




It's been raining all weekend and I love it. It's days like today that I can't believe that I'm graduating in less than seven months. On the one hand, I want the next few months to slow down but on the other hand I don't know how much longer I can deal with everything. I need to slow down. Breathe.

but you and I now, we can be alright,
just hold on to what we know is true.
you and I now, ‘though it’s cold inside,
feel the tide turning

Officially 21 and officially graduating from Berkeley on May 20, 2011. I guess this means I'm growing up...?

the general specific.

It has been over a month since I've updated; though I could offer a million valid excuses, I'll just hang my head and apologize as sincerely as possible. I've sat down to write several times, but every time I do I'll stare at the empty white space and forget whatever it was that seemed so important to talk about. It's one of the worst cases of writer's block I've ever had, unable to write truth or fiction. My screenplay, written and visualized in my head, has been trapped; my memories and stories all seem trivial, so I push them aside to make room for something else. All of my energy towards writing has been going towards my schoolwork, and even then it's hard figuring out what I want to say. In any case, I hope to return to regular updates, though I doubt that anyone reads this other than myself and my mother.

This past month has been absolutely hectic, wonderful, awful, heartbreaking, eye-opening, amazing, chaotic, and stressful. Making the decision to take a year off once I graduate in May to figure out what I want to do with my life was one of the best, at least so far; it's one less thing to worry about right now, and with everything I've got going on--three upper-division classes, one class that I'm teaching with my friend, two jobs, clubs, and friends--one less thing to worry about is the best feeling in the world. I don't have much time to dedicate to studying for a standardized exam or working on applications, and so to not have to worry about that right now is definitely a relief. However, I'm definitely being a lot harder on myself in terms of academics; my goal is a 4.0 and I'm working with my advisor to write my honors thesis in the spring. I'm currently studying suburban families in contemporary American sitcoms for my research methods class and currently working on a content analysis, and writing a paper on gender roles in The Godfather for my Gender & Media class. As busy as I am, I love absolutely everything I'm learning and I'm trying to soak in as much as possible while I'm still at Cal.

There's also a summer internship at the Berkman Center for Internet & Society at Harvard that I am DYING to apply for; though my first love will always be screenwriting, I'd definitely argue that my interest is in the internet and the way people utilize it is no passing fancy. It's something that has always intrigued me, and something that still remains a vastly unexplored field, meaning that there's definitely a lot of groundbreaking research to be done. It's something that affects me personally, as well as something that affects absolutely everyone I know...what could be more interesting?! In any case, it's an idea of a possible career path and hopefully applying for and getting an internship would allow me to see if it's something I'd want to pursue more.

My job as an Apartment Assistant is good. I can't go into specifics, due to confidentiality and respect for my residents and my staff, but I can say that although it's a hell of a lot more demanding than I ever imagined, it's also a lot more rewarding that I thought possible. It's crazy but I love it, and I'm really glad I get the opportunity to do this job.

Life is pretty good. Sarah came up last weekend and we saw Band of Horses perform at the Greek in Berkeley! Definitely one of the best concerts I've ever seen; we were in the front row and it was absolutely perfect. Despite being so busy that I had to miss Hardly Strictly Bluegrass in order to try and get some work done, last night I went to go see Going the Distance and The Social Network. Both were excellent, and despite being able to clearly relate them to points I'm learning in class it was a nice mental break. Now it's time to buckle down and work, especially since my 21st birthday is on Monday!